Thoughts on the Proposed Ban on Feeding Birds and Squirrels in New York City Parks, from the Birds and Squirrels

There’s already a $50 fine for feeding wild animals in city parks. The new rule would amend that to explicitly add birds and squirrels to the ban. —NY1



DOTTY, BROWN SQUIRREL: Yeah, OK. Am I supposed to be scared? Where in this new rule does it say we can’t snatch food out of their phalanges? I got five kids up in that tree. I’ll do what I gotta do.

JOHN, GREY SQUIRREL: So, a while back when I started the keto craze…

DOTTY: John, you did not invent keto.

JOHN: Yeah, I did. But anyway, I’ve been meaning to get back on it. Get svelte again like when I was one, with that crazy energy, you know? It’s all about the nuts and seeds. So do I need ya muffins? Fuhgeddaboudit.

CARLA, RED PIGEON: No worries. If I peck at this tampon applicator maybe 20 or 25 more times, it could become food.

JULIA, CARDINAL: Hey, now we’re “wildlife”? Not “New Yorkers with fur and feathers who live outside”? Is this a promotion or a demotion? I am loved and valuable. I am loved and valuable. I am loved and valuable.

BOBBY, BLUE JAY: This is bananas. They’re smoking weed in here 24/7, giving us a contact high and the munchies. Damn, humans are mean.

GENE, RED-TAILED HAWK: Maybe it’s time to start eating eyeballs. There’s your keto, right there, John.

WYLIE, STRIPED PIGEON: They LOVE our ancestors. A gazillion dinosaur movies and counting. And yet here we are, right in front of their doughy faces, and somehow we’re vermin? Shaking my damn beak.

ANGELA, SPARROW: Hey, with the right stunt, they let anything slide. Look at Pizza Rat and Egg Roll Squirrel. They’re heroes! Go big. PR is everything. Find the cronuts and rainbow bagels.

SUE, WHITE PIGEON: Honestly, since Trump got elected, I’ve been thinking of starving myself to death anyway. Yes, this is a cigarette filter I’m eating.

TINA, GREY SQUIRREL: They wouldn’t be bothering with this ban if they knew how close they are to extinction.