VC Firm Shares Alternatives to Silicon Valley Bank
Dear founders,
Hello from your friends at Venture Capital Legitimate Company Inc., LLC, Corp. As you know, we are financially and emotionally invested in all of your startups. Our portfolio is diverse; we have invested in everything from a company that aims to revolutionize fintech to a company that aims to revolutionize healthtech. We know that many of you held our money with Silicon Valley Bank, and your companies were therefore impacted by its closure yesterday. We ourselves were fortunate enough to close our account just two days before the run began, thanks to advice from our psychic (he is also an executive at SVB, but all information he imparts to us is simply his psychic intuition, so therefore it does not legally constitute insider trading. Don’t even think about reporting it). But we know this was not the case for most of you. If you were able to withdraw your money before SVB shut down, we want to share some suggestions for more secure ways to hold your money. If you were not, we don’t have much advice, but we have heard they are hiring at our local IHOP. Here are the safer banking alternatives that are being floated in VC circles:
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Store the money under your bed. This is a classic choice for doomsday preppers and people who don’t trust technology. We know pessimism and technophobia are two things that founders swear to disavow when they receive seed money, but nonetheless, we would encourage you to consider this option. If cash is stored in your bedroom or gaming room, you will never be apart from it as long as you don’t leave your house, which is a safe assumption for most tech CEOs. It is unlikely to be stolen unless you’re inviting people into your home, which presumably does not happen often for you. This is one of the safest methods for keeping your money secure. If this seems hard to digest, consider the cash to be an NFT (Nice Fungible Token) and the space under your bed to be cloud storage.
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Send the money into space. This is also a strong option, with the added bonus of literally being cloud storage. If William Shatner can go into space at age 90 and come back intact, so can your seed money. In order to facilitate this process, we have founded our own startup, iSpace, which will safely ship your money into space in exchange for a small percentage. Enter your credit card information into the form on our website to start your application.
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Place the money at the end of an elaborate treasure hunt. The best treasure hunts involve cryptic clues written in Latin, difficult terrain, esoteric historical knowledge, and a journey that will bring searchers together in spite of their clashing personalities. The ideal treasure hunt should take at least fifty years to solve, enabling the value of the cash to appreciate due to the mystery surrounding it. Then, when the money is finally discovered, you can rightfully claim it as your own, and find that it is worth many times what it is now. This investment strategy beats any stock portfolio. For hunt design ideas, we recommend the first (but not second) National Treasure film.
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Return the money to your investors and get a normal job. Anyone with the ability to obtain startup money in the first place has proven themselves to be either a forward-thinking genius or a skilled con-man. Whichever is the case for you, you will easily be able to find success in another field of your choice. Therefore, we would strongly encourage you to consider pursuing a more stable career and returning the money we gave you. We could use it to fund our new startup, a company that aims to revolutionize fintech by using AI to combine it with healthtech.
Sincerely,
The Venture Capital Legitimate Company Inc., LLC, Corp. team
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Amber Born is a comedian, writer, and trivia enthusiast currently residing in Philadelphia.
