Romance Novels for Second Amendment Lovers
In this delightful retelling of The Princess and the Pea, a young lady looks forward to her first overnight at her new fiancé’s home. Little does she realize that the young gentleman sleeps on a stack of twenty mattresses, with his Heckler & Koch HK416 assault rifle under the bottom one. Despite all the layers of coils and memory foam, she can feel the contours of the powerful weapon pressing insistently against the curve of her hips, probing into her thighs, and squeezing alongside her hammering heart, arousing feelings she never knew she had. Tossing and turning, she waits for her fiancé to fall fast asleep. Then she climbs down, reaches under the tower of bedding and grasps the HK416 by the barrel. Knowing she has found true love, she and the beguiling long gun slip out of the bedchamber and disappear into the moonlight.
Todd’s best friend Jake is a good man, a patriot, but has never possessed a firearm. Todd takes Jake to a gun show and helps him select a real beauty, a glistening SIG Sauer with an elegantly shaped chamber and an enticing grip. On Saturday mornings, Todd and Jake take target practice at the range, and as the weeks go by, Todd is increasingly drawn to Jake’s sleek Swiss-made six-shooter. He finds any excuse to put his hands on it, pointing out different features, or releasing a few rounds “just to make sure it’s calibrated.” Each time, it becomes more and more difficult to return the gun to Jake, and one day Todd “accidentally” slips it into his own pistol case. When Jake texts about the switch, Todd ghosts him and starts going to a different shooting range.
EX MARKS THE SPOT
Overwhelmed by crushing student loans, and unable to land a job with her degree in feminist critical theory, Marissa crisscrosses the country robbing small-town saloons and diners. Her MO is to flash a sawed-off shotgun and say, “Deconstruct this.” It works every time, until the night she enters a barbeque joint in the middle of nowhere, run by her ex. When she hesitates, he lifts his shirt to reveal those washboard abs and a Smith & Wesson tucked into his jeans. The same sidearm he wore at their wedding. Her heart flutters with buried feelings she has never gotten over, and probably never will. The attraction is irresistible. She reaches for his waistband. He frowns and slaps her hand, but nevertheless hires her as a waitress. Marissa gradually regains his trust, and one spring morning she finds herself alone with the Smith & Wesson. Marissa strokes the smooth barrel, memories flooding through her, and clutches the weapon to her bosom, just like before. She strips off her apron, grabs her car keys, and escapes to the open road with the gun that got away.
DATE WITH DESTINY
Russell wants to date the beautiful only daughter of Flanigan McGee, a gruff police lieutenant whose Glock 22 has seen plenty of action against perps and protestors. Russell’s heart yearns to someday inherit that legendary duty weapon, and he works hard to win the old man’s approval. But Russell’s eagerness keeps making things worse, and in desperation, he challenges Flanigan to a duel. Before the count reaches ten, Russell catches two rounds in the back, but still manages to pivot and get off a shot that hits Flanigan’s body armor. Impressed, the veteran cop gifts him the Glock on the spot. Russell knows he will die a happy man, perhaps as early as that very evening.
HEART OF A HUNTER
Bobby hardly ever took Betty out anymore. There just didn’t seem to be much point. Whenever he did, she was cold and stiff, her buttstock unyielding. Thanks to the Supreme Court, it was perfectly legal to open carry a long gun around New York City, but people still stared at Betty and made rude comments. Deep inside, Bobby knew she was a country gun, a hunting rifle at heart. The dirty, crowded metropolis, bereft of elk or bighorn sheep, was no place for her. But his financial analyst career, and his dream of someday making partner and scoring serious bonus money, held them captive. Betty mostly gave him the silent treatment, until one day, in frustration, he blurted out that maybe he should pawn her. She went off. Although ruled an accidental discharge, Bobby lost his lease, his job, and his freedom. After thirty days, he came out of Rikers a changed man. He scooped up Betty and the two of them high-tailed it to Wyoming, where they roam the Grand Tetons and share a sleeping bag under the stars.
MEANT TO BE
In this heartwarming meet shoot, Travis drives his pickup over to his friend Judd’s cabin to tell him he won’t be able to go on their annual hunting trip because all his guns got seized under a judicial restraining order. Not a problem, Judd says, you can borrow my sister’s. His sister sashays out of the cabin pointing her Nosler 21 straight at Travis’s face. As she hands over the rifle, he wonders why he had never before noticed the glints of emerald fire in her eyes. During the hunt, Travis realizes that he and the exquisitely balanced weapon were made for each other, a feeling he confirms by dropping a ten-point buck from 150 yards. He knows he’s never going to give back the Nosler 21, even if he has to kill Judd’s entire family.
Tom Navratil, a former U.S. foreign service officer, writes humor and fiction in Bethesda, Maryland. His recent work has appeared in Points in Case, Slackjaw, Jane Austen’s Wastebasket, and other publications serving the comedy community.