Best Of 2021

Human Resource Emails Sent to James Bond

James, please stop telling people your name when you are undercover.

James, please stop drinking on the job. You handle weaponry for a living.

James, I noticed your eyebrow was bleeding and your arm is in a cast. I hope you feel better soon. This is just a reminder that to be reimbursed for emergency care you must submit your company expense sheet by the end of the month.

James, please stop drinking before handling company property such as automobiles. This is a reminder that drinking and driving is a felony.

James, when undercover it is advisable that you change your appearance. This can be achieved by wearing an outfit that is out of the ordinary for you. For example, not a suit. This is a reminder that you will be reimbursed for any clothing expenses if you submit your expense sheet.

James, when you were at the Macau Casino did you step on a komodo dragon? It’s come to my attention that you “used the lizard like a trampoline in order to jump out of a pit”. I don’t think I should have to remind you that we do not support animal cruelty, and even more so when the animal is endangered.

Hi everyone. I didn’t want to single anyone out, but it has come to my attention that some agents have been intimate with clients, and targets, and targets’ widows. This is just a reminder that someone cannot consent if they are afraid for their life. I have attached the code of conduct.

Hi everyone. Again, I don’t want to single anyone out, but please remember to get international travel expenses approved prior to travel. To be reimbursed you must submit expense sheets to accounts payable. You can do this online. You can do most things online.  You DO NOT need to visit your superior officer’s office just to harass his secretary. In this case, referring to someone as “government property,” sharing a single chair, and kissing someone on the forehead would count as harassment.

James, I just wanted to readdress the komodo dragon thing. I’m trying to understand the logic behind curb stumping a reptile. Was it bouncy? Did you bounce out of the pit? Did it scream? Can komodo dragons scream?

But for real, did the lizard die?

James, I really want to quit this job, but I need closure on this lizard thing. If you get this can you respond? Why do I have a suspicion that you haven’t opened one email in the past fifty-seven years of your employment?