Welcome to Quantum Banking: Please Set Up Your New Account

“. . . in anticipation of the day that security experts call Y2Q, the protocols that safeguard text messaging, e-mails, medical records, and financial transactions must be torn out and replaced.” The New Yorker

---

Welcome to Quantum Banking: Please Set Up Your New Account

 

Dear Valued Customer,

Due to the advances made in modern technology known as “Quantum Computing,” the security systems we currently have in place to protect your financial assets will soon be obsolete. However, we have been hard at work preparing for these changes.

Your Get Started package contains everything you need to ensure that your account is “Quantum Ready.” Please read the enclosed instructions carefully.

Instructions for Initializing Equipment Before Setting Up Your New Quantum Account

1. Locate the small sealed box inside your Get Started package labeled “Q.” This box contains your own personal “Qubit” (pronounced “Qubit”).

Qubits are much more powerful than traditional computer bits. For example, with Qubits, all of our customers’ accounts will be in a state of Quantum “entanglement.” Which means, in the unlikely event your account is hacked, we’ll all feel just terrible.

Break the seal of your “Q” box with a plastic utensil only.

Important: Do not remove your Qubit after breaking the seal. You are merely allowing your Qubit to “breathe.”

3. Locate the second sealed box in your set-up package, labeled “F.” This box contains the portable, battery-powered freezer unit required for the proper functioning of your Qubit. You may open the “F” box with any utensil except the obvious ones.

4. Now open the little door of your portable freezer unit. Please locate the teeny ice cube in the freezer unit.

Important: Do not touch the teeny ice cube in the freezer unit! If you have touched the teeny ice cube, or you cannot locate the teeny ice cube, please read the enclosed brochure entitled, “Problems with Your Portable Freezer’s Teeny Ice Cube” and follow instructions.

5. Open the lid on your Qubit box and carefully transfer your Qubit into the freezer unit. But not yet!

6. Please locate the adorable tweezers rattling around at the bottom of your set-up package. They are vacuum-sealed in hard plastic and will be very challenging to open without cutting yourself on the sharp edges.

7. It is now time to open the box marked ”Q.” With your adorable tweezers in hand, grasp your Qubit and quickly transfer it into your portable freezer unit. Close the door!

Important: This operation must be completed in under ten seconds. Therefore, you may wish to practice grasping other small objects with the adorable tweezers before completing this very delicate procedure.

8. Assuming you successfully transferred your Qubit into the portable freezer unit and closed the door, all in under ten seconds, you are now ready to proceed with account setup.

Important: If you took longer than ten seconds to complete this critical operation, or you clumsily dropped the Qubit on the floor, your Qubit is no longer valid.

Extremely Important: Please do not discard or recycle your invalid Qubit. Doing so will change the locks of your primary residence as a security precaution. In the event you have accidentally discarded or recycled your Qubit and your locks have been changed, please read the enclosed brochure entitled, “Quantum Lockout! Now what?”

 

Congratulations! You are now ready to set up your new “Q” account on our website.

Set-Up Instructions for Your New “Q” Account

1. Enter the 30-digit temporary username provided in your welcome letter. We employed upper and lower-case letters and all manner of special characters. You may need to locate a few of your alternate keyboards. But it will be fun, like a treasure hunt.

2. Now enter your new password. Your new password must not contain any part of any password you have ever used in your entire life. (The Qubit knows.)

Important: Your password must be sufficiently long, but not too long. It must contain upper and lower-case letters in an arrangement we haven’t seen a thousand times. Your special characters must pique our curiosity, but not reveal too much. You have three attempts. Or is it two?

3. In the event you are locked out, please do not despair. Simply rinse your dried blood off the hard plastic that once held your adorable tweezers and locate the embossed Customer Support number.

Important: Our Quantum help lines are extremely busy. (It’s actually just one line.) Please expect long wait times, loud, distorted music with an oft-repeated refrain that dashes any hope of melodic enjoyment, and a representative whose voice breaks up and sounds as distant as the Arctic in 1964. Is your hearing exceptional? Then you should be okay.

Thank you for banking with us! Once you have successfully completed your Quantum account setup, we look forward to unfreezing your assets.