Beef, chicken and pork could be as scarce as toilet paper soon because so many meat processing plants have been temporarily shut down amid the coronavirus pandemic, industry experts are warning. – NBC News
Hello Valued Meat Consumers,
As you know, we at Arby’s pride ourselves in having the meats. It has been our tagline for the last six years. Meat possession is in our blood.
But unfortunately, due to the impacts of coronavirus, we no longer have the meats.
Arby’s was founded 55 years ago with a dream of having the meats and sharing the meats. So it breaks our hearts that today, after decades of serving the meats at our over 3,000 locations nationwide, that we do not have any meats to share.
As the premiere meat-having institution, we know that you, the salivating American public, look to us to have the meats when you want the meats. And sadly, the meats you want you cannot have.
Our meatslessness has challenged our very identity. If we, Arby’s, does not have the meats, then are we still Arby’s? If we do not have the meats, who does? If no meat now, when? What do people eat without meats? Man cannot sustain himself on curly fries alone.
However, we assure you that we are doing that everything in our power to possess meats again as soon as possible. To aid that effort, our hungry CEO has voluntarily forgone his annual meats bonus and will be donating extra meats to Arby’s locations in need.
We do not anticipate needing to resort to desperate measures, such as having veggies.
We know this meats shortage is a scary thing. But you must have hope. The sun will rise again, the meats will return. Or so help us God.
Jonathan Gershberg is a comedian and writer based in Minneapolis. His work has appeared in many places including The Nordly, where he serves as Editor-in-Chief.