Welcome to the Quasimodo Institute for Advanced Hunching

Congratulations! We are pleased to inform you that you have been selected to attend the Quasimodo Institute for Advanced Hunching (QUIFAH)! Amid an impressive pool of applicants, your application stood out as one of the most shocking. In fact, our founder and namesake himself read it with great interest (and seemed somewhat threatened by it). You may have lost your ability to hold your head up straight but, you have gained our utmost respect.

We select individuals who demonstrate not only a commitment to hunching for sustained periods while scrolling on their phones and typing at their computers, but also pursuing what we call the Deep Hunching State, involving maximal forward bend and permanent misalignment of the cervical and thoracic spine. Our research has proven that spines and their accompanying vertebrae are indeed flexible and can be, with practice and dedication, molded into a question mark, a candy cane, or, in their most sophisticated form, a fish hook. We are certain your confidence is going to soar while your posture continues to decline!

As you peruse our enclosed catalog*, consider which courses make the most sense for your goals and body type. Choose from selections such as The Semiotics of Slouching co-taught by Uncle Fester and Lumpy Addams, and Ah-Ah-Osteoporosis taught by the Wicked Witch of the West who will be zooming in from her famously unsupportive sofa. Although Gru, one of our most beloved professors, is on sabbatical at this time, we are excited to offer Tech Neck is Just the Beginning, My Precious with guest-lecturer, Gollum. We suggest signing up for that one immediately since seats-of-the-least-ergonomic-nature are filling fast.

*Note that all of our De-Generative Workshops are led by our crew of talented adjuncts who of course receive no health benefits.

Whether you are looking to audition for a lead role in The Corpse Bride, play a more convincing ogre at your next Halloween gathering, or simply incur years of pinched nerves and excruciating headaches, we guarantee that you are going to deepen your understanding of this skill and its practical applications.

Luckily enough, you are just in time to help us celebrate our new school motto, “If sitting is the new smoking, then slumping on your couch with your neck at a 45-degree angle is the new smack. And it feels goooood.” As we speak, someone in our OSHA-non-compliant office is crouching over their keyboard working on both the Latin translation and the new logo. You’ll be happy to know that we are retaining our original mascot, Igor from Frankenstein. This is also a good place to mention that our campus tunnel system is now powered by eco-friendly LED candles. Don’t worry, these tunnels are still tight and dimly lit – perfect for skulking, stooping, and crouching with friends between classes.

While we at the Quasimodo Institute for Advanced Hunching are currently only offering certificate programs, we are hopeful that based on the overwhelming interest in our work from around the world, we will be receiving full accreditation shortly. We already have a waitlist of medical schools and osteopathic organizations anxious to collaborate and support our advancement of chronic pain.

We look forward to having you attend our esteemed program. We know that your already fucked up spine is going to further degenerate and we cannot wait to see what kinds of neck collars, traction, and surgeries your future holds! So fill up your backpack with as many heavy items as possible and throw away that standing desk – we’ll see you on the QUIFAH campus soon. Go Igors!

Sincerely,
The Admissions Committee