Did you send your six-year-old to Suzy’s house for a sleepover to contract chicken pox by licking Suzy-licked lollipops? Have you let your kids wear cheesecloth masks to school to support their individual liberties? Don’t worry. We aren’t mad. None of those things go against the HOA covenants. In fact, we encourage the spread of communicable diseases; otherwise, we’d have the community pool cleaned more than once a season. While everyone enjoys our 4th of July parade and Easter Egg Hunt; the Halloween diseases party for adults is a new favorite. Adding Covid-19 this year will make it even more fun.
If you haven’t vaccinated your child and also sent them to Suzy’s house, attend this fun HOA-sponsored event. Admit it, we all like licking other adults in the comfort of our own homes. Wink. Wink. Having a high fever and a torso rash can be a learning experience. It’s good enough for your kids and it’s good enough for you, the adult homeowner. To make it easier, we’ve created stations at our block captains’ homes with a wide range of diseases, illnesses, STIs and STDs. Consent is overrated when it comes to contracting diseases especially since you took your child over to Suzy’s, but no judgement. There is an H in HOA, but it doesn’t stand for HIPAA requirements.
Note: The Cantones moved, so no Black Plague Pandemonium Jump Pit this year.
1500 Bedroom Way
If the room is knocking at the Howard’s, someone’s getting exposed to syphilis or herpes. This is an adult party stop with supplies of Binaca, lube, porn and antibiotics. Be ready to do a lot of licking. And cuddling. Don’t forget to check out the chili tasting on their back deck! Once you leave this stop, don’t pee again so you get a bonus UTI too!
A Pox of Childhood Diseases
If your child has chicken pox, please bring them with you. There are a few adults in the neighborhood that haven’t had shingles yet. The HOA can’t be held responsible for exposures to measles or rubella in pregnant women, so please exercise caution; we’ve heard that isn’t a good mix. Men looking for exposure to the mumps for infertility need a wife waiver. Come whoop it up in Whooping Cough Corner. If you lick Suzy, you get what you get and can’t say Fifth’s disease.
The Common Cold
Boogers and phlegm abound at the Navarro house where their toddler will share loogies right off his finger.s This year, the Navarros have added a Phlegm Fun Castle. Walk through for surprise sneezes and coughs at every turn. Play Tonsil Twister to get closer to your neighbors, even the ones that just have “allergies.”
Leave a Lung
Your HOA had a family step up to provide a Pne-Bron Party. You’ll be met with themed-cocktail tubes full of infected fluids. Partygoers try for exposure from Angela’s elderly parents by borrowing their oxygen cannulas. If you don’t leave with fluid in your lungs, there’s a king size candy bar with your name on it.
Putting the Mono in Mononucleosis
The Campbells are hosting the popular Mono House. While their teenager has mono (again) she won’t be participating (except with Zack who she is in love with and already has mono too.) Instead, daughter Katee has provided vials of spit perfume developed with Sephora as a teen influencer. If you contract mono, the Campbells have an extra napping bedroom and Katee will add your sleeping image to her Mono-finsta.
A Bug’s Life
This stop isn’t for the faint of heart. You get a lesson on entomology from Dr. Carpenter, our resident bug expert. His kindergartener brought home lice and he’s a little bitter. Check out goody bags of bugs-on-pins before you leave. Make this your first stop so you can spread lice to everyone.
One Flu Over the Covid Corner
A special 2020 addition, the Covid-19 corner takes place in the Smith’s breakfast nook. They’ve added 16 extra chairs so you can crowd in and share food. Cheesecloth masks available at the door. Go naked faced if you’re feeling frisky. No temperature scans at the Smith Door! We won’t waste your dues on a hoax.
Your HOA hopes this progressive on-the-block party meets all your disease contraction needs. Knowing we can all get sick together is well, … sick! Volunteers are needed to set up hydration stations and monitor the Pox Party Daycare Basement. Looking forward to another great event!
Amy Barnes has words at sites like McSweeney’s, Robot Butt, Funny or Die, Botnik Studios, The Dot, The Higgs Weldon, The Cooper Review and The Giggle Guide. One of her accidental humor writing goals is to write for sites with “The” in the title. Southern suburbs like where she lives don’t really have stand-up opportunities. She does appear daily in school car and grocery check-out lines. Her kids think she’s funny, especially when they need money or a chauffeur. The grocery store cashier, not so much.