Excerpts from the Episode of SNL Hosted by COVID-19

Covid popped up on Weekend Update dressed as a syringe and playing Ozempic. Covid and Colin Jost could not get through the bit without breaking as Ozempic talked in an unexplained Southern drawl that people are more willing to put Ozempic in their body no questions asked than the Covid vaccine, “And, hell, that good for ol’ Ozempic.”

***UPDATED: Health Advisories for Outer-Space Visitors

The Intergalactic Council for Disease Control has issued new guidance for travel to Earth, relaxing some restrictions. Most travel illnesses on Earth are minor, such as thorax rash, overhydration, or motion sickness from TikTok.

Even Though the Office Is Still Completely Engulfed in Flames, I’m Gonna Need You All to Come Back in Full Time

That said, going forward I expect everyone to come in at least 40 hours a week, which, coincidentally, is the exact amount of time that the human body can withstand such temperatures before their internal organs begin to melt. Failure to show up for the full 40 hours will be taken as your resignation.

CARTOON: Thinking of You

When you care enough for them to do the very least. Today's cartoon by Bob Eckstein.

As a Passenger on the Titanic, I’m So Glad We All Decided to Go On With Our Lives as the Ship Sinks

It’s hard to admit it now, but I was a tad hysterical at first wondering if I could get a spot in one of those lifeboats. I even tried to jump the queue. But then I heard that it was better to let your lungs get used to drowning the natural way, by desperately gulping for air underwater, and I thought, that makes sense!

The Omicron Variants

Omicone: An iced treat made from disease, OmiKent: Super-spreader disguised as mild-mannered reporter, OmiClaus: Jolly fat man who brings the gift of quarantine. And more!

Introducing: GODSHOT

This pandemic has been tough and we think you deserve a fun, shiny name to get behind. I mean, the word ‘vaccine’ is so 1798 and besides, it only protects against ONE virus. How lame is that? Our shot protects you against EVERYTHING. Even food poisoning! Bet you didn’t think that was possible, but it is. Trust us. We deliberately ate spoiled food to see if it would work, and we only vomited once and our ER stay was super short! If that doesn’t convince you, I don’t know what will!


Give us a smooch. Today's cartoon by Brandon Hicks

Some More Sus Guidance From the CDC - We’re beginning to think they’re not taking things seriously

The CDC recommends you answer their “u up?” text. The CDC says add them on Snap. The CDC says they get so lonely sometimes.

CARTOON: OmniScrooge

Goosed! Today's cartoon by Bob Eckstein.

Seven Festive Medleys For the 2021 Holiday Season

You better watch out/ You better not fly/ You better mask up/ I’m telling you why/ Omicron is coming to town.

How to Trick the Unvaccinated into Getting the COVID Vaccine, According to Six Children's Party Magicians

Follow your nose down the trail of Axe Body Spray and boom, that’s your mark. Lead him to your magic disappearing box and have him confirm the box is solid with no secret escape panel. The purple smoke that billows out as he climbs in is actually a general anaesthetic. Spin the box around three times and open it to show he’s gone. He’ll wake up in a clinic waiting room with a 3pm vaccination appointment. Voilà!

CARTOON: Sign of the Times

Body language. Today's cartoon by Peter Kuper.

Welcome Back Students! Here’s Your Fall (of Humanity) Schedule!

Students will begin each day by sitting in a Safe Space Scream Circle. Punching bags are available for students who require a physical outlet of their brewing rage upon facing the harsh realization that existence past year 2050 is unlikely.

Signs That Summer Is Almost Over...

Anti-vaxxers adding plenty of ivermectin to their pumpkin spice lattes. COVID infection stories on the news are all Back To School related. And more!

Ms. Bauer’s 5th Grade School Supply List (and Coping Mechanism) for 2021–2022

72 No. 2 Pencils (latex-free): These MUST be pre-sharpened. We’ve lost so much instruction time since March 2020 that we simply cannot waste precious minutes of the school day using the pencil sharpener. (Your kids will probably bring most of these home at the end of the year, unused.)

Popular Romantic Comedies Rewritten for 2021

500 Days of Summer Might Convince People That Climate Change Is Real, There's Something About Mary That Makes You Think She’s the Kind of Person Who’d Fill Plastic Bags with Gasoline, Four Maskless Weddings That Led to at Least One Funeral, and more!


How about now? Today's cartoon by Peter Kuper.

Quiz: Delta Plus Airline Perks Or Delta Plus Variant Result

Nextflix binge watching, Complimentary adult beverage, Increased chance of blood clots, and more!

The Latest Delta Variant Fraternity Meeting Minutes

As a new variant that first chartered a COVID wave less than a year ago, I can not believe how quickly we’ve risen. I know our founders, Selfishness and Recklessness, would be feverish with pride. But that doesn’t mean we can take a break or slow down. The Lambda variant has their sights set on climbing ranks by evading the vaccine, which means we not only need to maintain our reputation, but build upon it.

CARTOON: Distanced Games

Something we can all play. Today's cartoon by Bob Eckstein.

A List Of Demands That Must Be Met For Me To Return To The Office

No one is allowed to comment on how early I’m eating my lunch. Instead of a desk and adjustable chair, I work on a Queen-size mattress. A whiteclaw mini fridge. And more!

Alternative Uses for Your Masks Once the Pandemic is Over

Hamster Hammock, Tiny Purse, Water Balloon Sling, and more in this illustrated list.

Welcome Back To The Cinema!

Popcorn butter pump doubles as butter flavored hand sanitizer. No heavy breathing during sexy scenes unless masked. And more!

CARTOON: Worked Out

It's nice to get back to a routine. Today's cartoon by Nathan Cooper.

Shot Girl Summer: Sartorial Pairings For Your Upcoming Vaccine Appointment

Get The Hint?: So, you’re fully vaccinated (minus two weeks), and you’re looking to hook up. Nothing less subtle than an entirely clear suit! Wear your best lingerie underneath, or nothing at all. Even if you get kicked out of CVS or banned from the Javits Center for life, you’re sure to turn heads in this daring suit (and get some digits)!

How Fictional Nurses Would Administer the COVID-19 Vaccine

Cartoon Nurse from The Animaniacs: She insists that you remain professional and direct with your patients, especially the dog-like ones that make inappropriate comments like, “Helloooooo nurse.” After one too many incidents, she recommends against vaccinating patients that resemble dogs, or any non-human animal for that matter. Vaccine supply is short as it is, and when you stick them with the shot, their heads rapidly expand and they uncontrollably shout, “Awwooooooga!”

Things That I'll Miss About Wearing These Damn Masks...

Other people believing me when I tell them that I have a mustache. No longer able to steal dollhouse furniture from craft stores by hiding the pieces in my mouth. And more!

CARTOON: Singin' in the Germs!

What a glorious feeling! Today's cartoon by Ward Sutton.

CARTOON: Maskless

Masks off, pants off. Today's cartoon by Peter Kuper.

Brood X Cicada or Frat Boy on Break?

All they want to do is get laid. No concept of personal space. They never travel in groups smaller than swarms. And more!

Chutes and Ladders: Vaccine Edition

To play: On your turn, spin the spinner and move your pawn, square by square, until you reach the final square, where you will receive your Covid-19 vaccine at your local fairgrounds. Throughout the game, try your best to jump the line by landing on ladders and avoiding pitfalls that will send you spiraling down chutes, relegating you to additional days, months, and maybe years of pandemic depression. 


Also first time wearing pants in a year. Today's cartoon by Joe Wos.

5 Ways to Make Your Pandemic Anniversary the Best on the Block

Start your pandemic anniversary off on the right foot with everyone’s favorite isolation comfort food. Candles optional but highly encouraged.

CARTOON: BC: Before Covid

Reach across the aisle? Today's cartoon by Peter Kuper.

Welcome to Your Pandemic Airbnb Rental

We invite you to help yourself to the small collection of books in the living room. While the sampling of Danielle Steele and Bill O’Reilly’s Culture Warrior may cause you to roll your eyes and deduce that we are backwards idiots, please know we have made similar assumptions about you based upon your Vampire Weekend t-shirts and many cases of flavored seltzer.

CARTOON: Inclusive Reclusive

Social distancing before it was cool. Today's cartoon by Peter Kuper.

As Heiress to the Salt Fortune, It Is Unacceptable That I, Veruca Salt, Have Not Yet Received a Golden Ticket

Look, I’m just a young, innocent girl who wants to finally be able to see Willy Wonka’s chocolate factory. Without a golden ticket, my life is empty and bleak. Yes, millions of other children might have their lives completely changed, or even saved, by a golden ticket, but I need it more than them so I can brag to my rich friends that I got it before they did. 

Offline Dating and Other Things to Try After the Pandemic

So many new things to soon explore! Illustrated list by Thomas Wykes.

Errands I'm Going to Run While I Wait for My Covid Test Results

On my way back from the gym, I’ll quickly pop into the grocery store, butcher, fish shop, bakery, a nail salon, and a real estate office to see about taking some apartment tours in the next few days. Rent prices are actually pretty good right now for some reason, so I’m going to set up 7-9 tours for the next few days. Want to get them done in case I actually do have Covid, haha (unlikely, I’ve been so careful, especially when I was in Mexico).


No more talking to the hand? Today's cartoon by Meg Richardson.

Children’s Books in the Time of COVID

Charlotte’s Web of Coronavirus Conspiracy Theories, How to Train Your Dragon to Eat Anti-Maskers, The Very Hungry Caterpillar Has Been Less Interested in Eating Since Losing His Sense of Smell, and more.

The Dystopian Holiday Gift Catalog

Virtual Fam Holographic Family Projector- $575.99 : Not able to see your relatives this holiday? Virtual Fam’s got you covered. Our new holographic projector creates 3D simulations of various family members, ranging from grandparents and godparents to nephews, nieces and in-laws. We make sure to project each individual’s best qualities, while deleting the more troublesome parts of their personalities.

How the Mitch Stole Stimulus

Every Blue down in Blue-Ville loved stimulus a lot. But the Mitch who lived in the Senate of Blue Ville did not. The Mitch hated stimulus! The whole Covid season! Maybe because he believes socialism is treason. 

News Briefs: Pandemic Parents

Weekly Humorist News Briefs: Breaking News, Into Little Pieces.

CARTOON: Thanksgiving Simulator

Feel like you are really there! Today's cartoon by David Ostow and Ellis Rosen.

Agatha Christie Heroine Responds to Trump's Attempted Coup by Taking an Ample Breakfast

Upon reading the news, in the East Chipping Gazette, that US President Donald Trump refused to concede the election – which he lost handily to Joseph R. Biden Jr in both the electoral and popular vote – British murder mystery ingenue Daphne Hammond closed the paper and asked Griselda to bring in a second poached egg, and sugar for the tea.

9 Spooky Halloween Costume Ideas During the Pandemic

Eager Zoomer with suit, tie and no pants, Mummified toilet paper hoarder, 6-foot space invader, and more!

Welcome To Your HOA’s Adult Progressive Disease and Virus Halloween Party

Consent is overrated when it comes to contracting diseases especially since you took your child over to Suzy’s, but no judgement. There is an H in HOA, but it doesn’t stand for HIPAA requirements.

Pandemic Or Treat: Making The Most Of Your Halloween During COVID

As far as sexy costumes go this year, you simply need to honestly answer one question: Can a hazmat suit successfully have cleavage? If so, you're back in business.

7 Sexy COVID-19 Halloween Costumes

Sexy Cancelled Wedding: Did you cancel your wedding during COVID-19 or get invited to a cancelled wedding? Mmm, nothing sexier. In this micro-wedding dress, there are cancelled deposits stuck all over, as well as wedding vows from real almost couples who have now broken up cause it’s a pandemic and they realize they hate each other and the other person is a fricking weird chewer.

CARTOON: Zoom Clean

Clean your zoom. Today's cartoon by Rich Sparks.

CARTOON: Elephant in the Room

The elephant in the room. Today's cartoon by Peter Kuper.

NEWS BRIEFS: Home-schooling

Weekly Humorist News Briefs: Breaking News, Into Little Pieces.

CARTOON: Have You Herd?

You sure ask a lot of questions. Today's cartoon by Peter Kuper.

CARTOON: Fortune

NEED TO KNOW! Today's cartoon by Lila Ash.


The Northern Card, aka the Mockingturd, spends its days pecking out puns, forced metaphors, and other desperate attempts to make light of the End Times. Call (repeated hourly): “Pleeeeez go viral.”

CARTOON: Covidiot

Can't take my freedumb! Today's cartoon by Peter Kuper.

New “He’s Back” Fundraising Menu

$10,000 entering a vehicle he’s paraded in. $15,000 having Kayleigh breathe on you $20,000 enjoying a make out session with Hope (normal rates slashed in half!) 

Hear Ye! Hear Ye! The King and Queen Have the Bubonic Plague!

Doth not tremble in cowardliness! Though many of us have fallen from these maladies and the King hast told us to do nothing to prevent the maladies from ravaging many of us, there is no reason to believe his wisdom won’t lead him to victory.

CARTOON: Trump Bug

Looking a little orange? Today's cartoon by Jack Loftus.


Weekly Humorist News Briefs: Breaking news, Into Little Pieces.

CARTOON: Results Are In

Results are in. Today's cartoon by Jason Chatfield and Scott Dooley.

How’s It Going? A F.A.Q.

Q: How’s it going? A: The standard answer “as well as can be excepted” applies, although this may fluctuate slightly on a day-to-day basis. Things that can influence how well things are going on any given day include exercising, sex (or lack thereof), looking at real estate listings, level of news consumption, and which of our national institutions are falling apart.

COVID-19's Kitschy Bumper Sticker Phase

Honk if you have Antibodies! And more!

News Briefs: Marriage

Weekly Humorist News Briefs: Breaking News, Into Little Pieces.

11 Ways to Recreate the Magic of Back-to-School Night Virtually

Flush $40 down the toilet. You’ve just paid your PTA dues! Fashion a necklace out of your teen's socks to capture the olfactory splendor of the high school gymnasium. And more!

One Schools Very Thought Out Safety Plan

Welcome to the Fall 2020 School Year at District 13 Elementary School. We want you to know we are taking extreme precautions, to ensure our school is a safe environment for both students and faculty.

Good News From The Florin District School Board: Classes Will Now Be Held Outdoors In The Fire Swamp

We know you may have some concerns about this location and many people have already been lamenting, “We’ll never survive the fire swamp.” There was even a time, not that long ago, when no one had survived the Fire Swamp, but, thanks to Westley and Buttercup, that simply isn’t true anymore. If they can survive the three terrors of the Fire Swamp, so can you!

Bold Predictions for the 2020/21 NFL Season

Philadelphia: Knowing that they are scientifically unable to spread the virus, all the players from the Philadelphia Eagles will be replaced by actual eagles. 

How To Enjoy The Sun Safely During The Pandemic

Including 'don't shake hands with the sun' and 'Stay at least 2 metres from the sun' And more!

What the Location of Your Anti-Mask Tirade Says About You

Sur La Table — Your kids go to a school that used to be a rich person’s house. Target — You purchased a brand of dryer sheets because others were boycotting it. And more!

CARTOON: Shark Carry-Out

Polite Predators. Today's cartoon by Ali Solomon.

NEWS BRIEF: Dog Parents

Weekly Humorist News Briefs: Breaking News, Into Little Pieces.

CARTOON: De-evolution

De-evolution. Today's cartoon by Paul Cannata.

CARTOON: Dreamboat

Looking for the full plagukage. Today's cartoon by Madeline Horwath.

We Sharks are Officially Opting Out of Shark Week 2020

The Great White, Bull, and Hammerhead Sharks were among the first to opt out of this year’s Shark Week. The Megaladon has insisted that they’re still comfortable in their 3.6 million year retirement and will not return to help out The Discovery Channel and we support their decision. Minor League Shark Week, which consists solely of Whale Shark programming, has been outright cancelled.

Quarantine Reflections on Some Common Sayings

You can’t judge a book by its cover, but you can totally judge a person who wears their face mask on their chin.

Two Tour de France Announcers Narrate My Morning Jog 

“Unfortunately, the sprinklers are on. This reminds me of last year’s Tour when riders suffered through heavy rain, a hailstorm, AND a landslide that almost took out the yellow jersey, or maillot jaune.” “It really is JUST like that. The perseverance. The grit. The triumph of the human spirit.” “She’s walking again.”

CARTOON: Zoom Batter!

Hope they are charged up for the game! Today's cartoon by Paul Lander and Dan McConnell.

Is it Time for our Pandemic Pod to Become a Swingers’ Circle?

There’s any number of configurations this could take. It’s gonna be a long summer – we could rotate out who watches the kids while the rest of us ménage it up in the rec room. We could watch each other bone. We could wait until the kids are all asleep and throw ourselves a proper orgy. The possibilities are endless.

CARTOON: Tan Lines

Watch the straps! Today's cartoon by Ali Solomon.

How to Simulate Your Ten Year Reunion at Home

“Of course I remember you! I was homecoming queen after all, and a queen always remembers her subjects. I’m just kidding. Not about homecoming queen. I was homecoming queen, and also cheerleading captain, and student vice president, remember? Remember that great halftime show our senior year?”

CARTOON: Zoom Wave

Let's do the digital WAVE, got any cyberdogs!? Today's cartoon by Paul Lander and Dan McConnell.

CARTOON: Reminiscing

Way back when. Today's cartoon by Peter Kuper.

Hall of Impeached Presidents And 9 Other Disney World Updated Attractions For 2020 Grand Reopening

It’s a Smaller World After All - (With Americans banned from most countries on this ride) and more!

CARTOON: Dizzy Disney

Spreading more then cheer. Today's cartoon by Lila Ash.

CARTOON: The Covid Kid

Super spreading everywhere except one place. Today's cartoon by Dan McConnell and Joe Bissonnett.

CARTOON: Holy Hobby

And don't ask where the remote is. Today's cartoon by Ali Solomon.

Days of the Week Underwear Quarantine Edition

Very helpful way to keep on track, and be as focused and efficient as possible!

Horoscopes For the Quarantined

Scorpio: Your libido right now is high, which is offensive because people are suffering around you. Go watch Catholic TV to cleanse yourself. If you’re still feeling randy, ironically sext with someone from Hinge, but don’t get too alarmed if he asks you to move in after twenty minutes -- online dating is weird now.

CARTOON: Feeling Week

Just got to make it through another week. Today's cartoon by Grayson Gibbs.


Always read the fine print! Today's cartoon by Peter Kuper.

Coronavirus Sympathy Cards From Your Brainwashed Facebook Friends

Sorry to hear of your brother's passing. Why didn't he ask for hydroxychloroquine?


Know what? Will give him 12 feet. Today's cartoon by Bob Eckstein.

Amelia Bedelia Single-Handedly Creates Coronavirus Hot Spot by Hilariously Misunderstanding Safety Instructions

“Amelia!!” she cried. “What have you done?! Why is the window broken???” “Because of the pandemic!” said Amelia. “I had to get those things out of here as quickly as possible!” “Amelia!” cried Mrs. Rogers. “The pandemic doesn’t have anything to do with pans!”  “Oh, rats,” said Amelia. “Well at least now we’ll get some fresh air!” “The air is full of germs, Amelia!!

Gen-X Songs Adjusted For Middle Age In Times Of Covid

It’s the end of the word as we know it, and I need wine (It’s the end of the word as we know it, REM)

CARTOON: Taking Stock

Missing the spotlight? Today's cartoon by Ali Solomon.


We’re asked to shelter in place,/ And “No more touching your face!”,/ But some just refuse,/ Shouting “Fake news!”,/ And embarrassing the human race.

Five Things That Are ‘6 Feet!’ (The Ultimate Guide to Help With Social Distancing)

You and your imaginary friend lying on the floor with your heads touching. (Make sure your imaginary friend is at least three inches). Need to adjust based on height.

One-Minute Coronavirus Mysteries

Yesterday morning, you baked a loaf of chocolate chip banana bread.  This morning, there was no chocolate chip banana bread left.  Why? (A: You ate the entire loaf last night in six minutes while ugly-crying about the future of humanity.)

Trump’s Favorite COVID Cocktails & Disinfectant Delights

Mai-Tide: Chill 4 Tide pods in a freezer overnight.  Place chilled pods into a glass, then puncture each pod.  Pour Mai Tai contents over pods.