What Do I Gotta Do To Get A Little Respect Around Here? Put A Firework Up My Ass?

The sum total amount of respect I get around here is zero. That’s point five less than one half unit of respect, the lowest amount legally allowed. On a scale of one to ten, the amount of respect I get is one but only because zero is not part of the scale. So what do I gotta do? Stick a firework up my ass and set it off?

 

If you were to put the amount of respect I receive in a bottle and use that bottle to quench your thirst, let’s just say your thirst would remain unquenched. If you put the amount of respect I had in a vacuum and scientifically observed it and added a second vacuum with nothing in it as the control group for the experiment, you might need to label them to differentiate one from another.

 

So, tell me, would the firework fix that? Like a roman candle? A firecracker? Which firework in my ass would buy me some respect?

 

Consider this: Statistically speaking, there are probably more bears in space than people who respect me on this planet. And, by extension, there are way more bears on this planet with a respect quotient higher than mine. Case in point: none of them have been sent to space. At least not yet.

 

So what do I gotta do, send a bear to space? Might be hard. Probably impossible.

 

Are you sure you don’t just want me to stick a firework up my ass and light it off? Might be easier. Like way easier. But it’s not so easy that it gets me zero respect, right? Respect is hard-earned and it’s an act worthy of respect, jubilation even. It’s patriotic and the life of the party. It evokes the Chinese.

 

In Aretha Franklin’s “RESPECT,” the word respect is spelled R-E-S-P-E-C-T but it seems the type of respect I’ve been getting is spelled Y-O-U S-U-C-K. So do you have a lighter? I’d prefer a lighter with a long neck, you know, for obvious reasons. What are they called? Giraffe lighter? Snake lighter? Oh it’s just “long neck lighter.” I see. Well that makes sense. The reason I want that type of lighter is so I don’t burn my genitals, in case that wasn’t clear.

 

I mean, if I did it and it didn’t work it wouldn’t be the end of the world. I’d go right back to zero. Having no respect is something I’m quite used to. What’s the worst that could happen!?

 

All right, here goes nothin’! Initiate countdown: Three…two…one…blast off.

 

Heh. It kind’ve tickles. I wonder when it’ll–OH FUCK!!!!!!

 

SHIT! FUCK! SHIT! FUCK FUCK FUCK!!! AHHHHH!!! AAAAHHHHHHHH!!! MY CLOTHES ARE ON FIRE!!!! THEY’RE ON FIIIIIRE!!!

 

GET WATER GET WATER GET WATER. GET WATER GET WATER GET WATER.  IT BURNT MY GENITALS AND ASS IT BURNT MY GENITALS AND ASSSSS. WATERRRRR!!!!! WATERRRR!!!! WATERRRRR!!!!!!!!! HURRYYYY!!!

 

AAHHHhhhhhmmmmmmmmm. Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you. Wooo! Goddamn.

 

Let me just catch my breath a second. Had me scared there for a second, I didn’t know what was gonna happen. Heh. Phew.

 

It was loud too. Really loud. Hope I didn’t scare the neighbors. They’re elderly so, you know, I worry about ‘em. Their lights are off so they’re probably asleep. Heavy sleepers but you never know. You never ever know, hell, I didn’t know. But now I know. Yep. Now we know and here we are. Here we are indeed. Yeah.

 

Anyways, that do it for ya?