What the Location of Your Anti-Mask Tirade Says About You

Barnes and Noble — Your first name isn’t associated with an internet meme, but it will be.

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Bass Pro Shops — You know what house your ex-wife’s lawyer lives in.

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Circle K — You have reentered a drive-thru to protest a missing nugget.

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Costco — You made a major financial decision based on an anthropomorphic spokes-animal.

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CVS Pharmacy — Your bus pass was recently reinstated, conditionally.

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Dick’s Sporting Goods — You missed your son’s Jazz Ensemble concert due to a “work thing.”

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Dollar General — Your grandkids know where they stand on your favorability rankings.

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GameStop — Everyone is terrified to take your clothes out of the apartment’s dryer.

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Gap — You’ve responded sarcastically to a customer service chat-bot.

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Hobby Lobby — You confronted a neighbor about something you found in their garbage.

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Home Depot — You know what the city dump won’t accept, and yet you still try.

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IKEA — You’ve written a note on the tip line of a bill.

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Joann Fabric and Crafts — A small, yappy dog is mentioned in your will.

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Kohls — You made your child tell a classmate they’re not allowed to be friends anymore.

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Kroger — You removed a stick-figure family member from your car window, just to send a message.

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L. L. Bean — You based your opinion of a country on a single interaction with a street vendor at a cruise ship port-of-call.

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Macy’s — You love the fact that Instagram ads have you pegged.

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McDonald’s — Multiple people bailed on your intervention.

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Neiman Marcus — You’ve taken legal action against a dog breeder.

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Nordstrom — You campaigned for a judge.

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Orvis — You are a judge.

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Panera Bread — You convinced someone to change seats, then spent the flight arguing with your spouse.

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Pep Boys — You’ve used the phrase “my former old lady” in a legal proceeding.

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PetSmart — Your Yelp reviews usually require the proprietor to respond.

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REI — You saw the last eight Marvel movies in the theater and hated them all.

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Ross — A final paycheck has been held until you returned a company-issued vest.

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Sam’s Club — You know how much a neighbor paid for a wood-chipper but don’t know your child’s teacher’s name.

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Sears — You used a timeshare exit service.

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Sephora — You called someone from a Lyft ride to complain about your driver.

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Starbucks — The prosecution and defense agreed to your removal from a jury pool.

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Staples — It wasn’t really about the mask.

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Sur La Table — Your kids go to a school that used to be a rich person’s house.

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Target — You purchased a brand of dryer sheets because others were boycotting it.

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Trader Joe’s — Most people only know you by your login name.

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Walmart — You’re a selfish asshole who chooses to be misinformed.

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Whole Foods — You’re a selfish asshole who chooses to be misinformed and you have Amazon Prime.