Full Metal Jedi
A young farm boy named Luke leaves his boring home planet to join the toughest branch of the Rebellion in the hopes of becoming “the first kid in his sector to get a confirmed lightsaber kill.” He soon learns in basic training that getting there won’t be easy. Luke will have to endure the stern and scary presence of his senior drill instructor Obi Won Hartman who teaches his recruits how to use the Force while he hurls profane insults at them at the top of his voice like, “Only womp rats and ass bandits come from Tatooine and you don’t much look like a womp rat so that kind of narrows it down.”
Luke is paired with a slower, dim-witted cadet named Anakin who the sergeant cruelly nicknames “Vader Pyle” branding him as an idiot. Soon the sergeant starts punishing his fellow recruits whenever Anakin messes up and the whole platoon assaults Anakin in his sleep by using their force powers to make Anakin whip himself with a bar of soap wrapped in a towel. Anakin begins to improve even beyond Luke’s abilities but Anakin’s new found powers take over his sanity and turn him into a homicidal maniac who murders the sergeant before turning the lightsaber on himself.
Luke is sent to Hoth to fight for the rebellion as a journalist capturing the harsh realities of war from the front lines. He writes “Born to Force Choke” on his helmet and a peace button on his body armor as his way of speaking out about “the duality of man.” The hard lined Gen. Rieekan notices the pin and berates Luke saying the Rebellion is occupying Hoth because “in every tauntaun, there is a human trying to get in it in order to stay warm.”
Luke reunites with his basic training recruit Pvt. Flyboy who’s joined a rogue squadron called the Lustgamorrean Squad that includes a brooding, bullish, hairy meathead named Wookie Mother. Luke joins the squad as they are sent to monitor activity on Endor where they eventually get pinned down by a sniper who kills Flyboy and other members of the squad. Eventually, they fight their way into the sniper’s nest and kill the gunman who turns out to be a small, orphaned Ewok.
The Running Elephant Man
Acclaimed British actor John Hurt takes on the title role of Joseph Merrick, an English man suffering from severe physical deformities caused by a rare, 21st century illness called Pachyosteosclerosis. He becomes a police helicopter pilot for a corrupt police state who frames him for opening fire on innocent protestors during an adorable British orphan riot. He escapes by forcing a woman named Mrs. Kendal to be his hostage before both are captured while trying to flee the country. Merrick is thrown into a work camp where he befriends renowned surgeon Frederick Travers.
During this dark time where death and truth are twisted for control and the public’s entertainment, the most popular show on TV is a reality game show called The Running Man. Contestants are picked from prison and given a chance at winning their freedom if they can survive a gauntlet of ruthless killers known as “stalkers”. The show’s ruthless host and producer Damon Killiam played by Sir John Gielgud offers Merrick his shot at freedom and when Merrick accepts, Killiam double crosses him by sending Travers and Mrs. Kendal into the game with him.
Merrick and his spandex sporting team of underdogs fight through a series of chainsaw wielding, electricity shooting, flame throwing stalkers winning over the crowd that usually bets on the show’s roster of fighters. Killiam offers Merrick a chance to become one of the show’s star stalkers along with a beachfront condo and a hefty salary but Merrick declines. He pulls a security camera off the wall and yells in Killiam’s virtual face, “I’m not an animal! I am a human being! I’m a man who’s going to ram his fist into your stomach and pull out your goddamn spine!”
The three go off the grid and Travers discovers a way to hijack the show’s broadcast. He hacks into the studio’s satellite feed by pretending that the control box is a patient with typhus. Travers obtains the password to hijack the feed and tells Mrs. Kendel to remember it just before he’s killed by the electricity slinging Dynamo.
The network decides to fix a fake video of Merrick’s death to placate the audience. Merrick and Mrs. Kendal find an underground hacker den that’s willing to broadcast the undoctored footage of Merrick’s frame job. They break into the studio after the fake video airs shocking the audience who thinks Merrick has died. They chase off the audience and get in a shoot-out with police leaving Killiam alone on stage with Merrick. Killiam tries to tell Merrick he was just giving the audience what they want by putting a deformed warrior on TV. Killiam realizes he’s been bested and that he underestimated Merrick who is about to launch Killiam into the grid to his inevitable death. Just before Merrick does, Killiam panics and tells him to “Drop dead.” Merrick remarks, “My life is full because I know I am loved” before launching Killiam down the chute and to an explosive death.
Born on the Friday the 13th
During one of his many rampages on the camp staff of Camp Crystal Lake, Jason Voorhees is shot in the back by a camp counselor. He manages to fight through his seemingly fatal wound and take out a couple of counselors before a second shot sends him to the ground in a catatonic state. He wakes up in the camp hospital that’s been slashed financially to the bone by President Nixon’s administration. He fights with the staff to get him to save his machete throwing arm because they won’t allow him to kill like his mother taught him to and he often has flashbacks about the one night that a horny teenager bested and almost killed him.
He recovers but is confined to a wheelchair paralyzed from the chest down. The camp feels so bad for the homicidal maniac that they hold a rally in his honor. They invite him to speak but forgetting that he’s unable to speak, Jason sits before a quiet crowd confused at his behavior and what they are even doing there. The sound of a helicopter causes him to flashback to the night that took his body as the whirling of the helicopter blades reminds him of the “whooshing” sound made by his powerful machete swinging. He starts to feel remorse for the lives he took. Jason turns to booze, drugs and prostitutes to cover the guilt with the numbing feeling his vices produce. He moves back into his rundown shack where he fights with the remains of his dead mother questioning her motives for the values she instilled in him and forced him to kill for mother. She breaks down and throws him out of the shack.
He befriends another ex-serial killer named Charlie played by Willem Dafoe who was also paralyzed by one of his escaped victims and the two imbarge on a drug and drinking binge in Mexico. They get stranded in the desert by a cab driver because Charlie killed him with a spear and the two get into a fight over the atrocities they committed. Charlie spits in his face and Jason tries to spit back but forgets he’s wearing his hockey mask. The two struggle and fall out of their chairs.
Jason returns to the States where he sobers up and realizes he has to face his past and admit to his mistakes. He visits the family of the teen he failed to kill and apologies for not doing his duty. The family falls short of forgiving him but the mother says she understands his pain. He turns anger and grief into a driving force of protest against camps for not doing more to protect their staff from people like him. He’s dragged out of a convention for the camp’s presidential election. His staunch activism leads him to write a book about his harrowing experience and is hailed as a hero for speaking out against the camp that made him carry such a heavy emotional burden.
Ferris Bueller’s Nightmare on Elm Street
Popular teenager Ferris Bueller is awakened by his parents before school. He coughs and sounds weak as he attempts to get up but his parents insist he stay in bed because he’s too sick to go to school. Meanwhile his sister Jeanie has a nightmare that she’s being pursued by a mysterious figure with burned skin wearing a red and green sweater and a bladed glove who chases her down and slashes her across the chest. Her injuries are transferred to the real world where an invisible Freddy drags Jeanie’s screaming body to the ceiling before dropping her to the floor in a bloody heap. Her parents scold her for mocking his brother’s illness and insist she get dressed for school.
Ferris talks to the audience about a dream he just had about the same mysterious figure from his sister’s dream before sharing his rules for avoiding school by faking an illness. Some freshmen from the school begin talking about the mysterious dreams and injuries that the school’s rumor mill claims Ferris has suffered. When one of them calls to check up on Ferris, he realizes he’s not the only one having the dream so he calls his best friend Cameron who is actually sick to pick him up so they can go to a sleep clinic. Cameron also scams the school into letting Ferris’ girlfriend Sloane out of school by pretending to be her father. They leave the car with two parking garage attendants who take it out for a joyride.
Ferris convinces Cameron to let him drive his father’s super rare 1961 Ferrari 250 GT California for their impromptu day off so they can pick up Sloane without anyone recognizing them. The three fall asleep at the clinic where Ferris dreams about the mysterious figure again and wakes up just as he attacks him. His injuries in the dream are transferred to the real world along with the figure’s Fedora hat which has a tag on the inside revealing his name: Freddy Krueger. Ferris makes it back home in time for his father to call and he confronts him about Freddy. Ferris’s dad breaks down and tells him about the man in his dream who was the high school’s evil vice principal. Years ago, the parents killed Vice Principal Krueger in a warehouse for flunking so many of their children for unfair truancy punishments.
Ferris and his friends figure the best way to avoid Freddy is to stay awake for the entire day so they venture to downtown Chicago to a fancy restaurant where they scam a free meal out of a snooty maitre-d, the Art Institute of Chicago’s art museum and a Cubs game where the Cubs’ poor performance almost puts them to sleep. They realize they need to confront him assuming that the vice principal pursuing him for skipping school is real.
Freddy tracks down Ferris to his home where he thinks he’s hiding out during his “day off” to kill him for skipping school and breaks into Ferris’ house losing his shoes in the muddy lawn in the backyard. He’s fooled by one of the booby traps Ferris set for him consisting of a mannequin in his bed that rolls over when he peeks through the door and a snoring sound effect played on a loop in Ferris’ synthesizer. Freddy also encounters the family’s attack dog who chases him out of the house.
Ferris, Cameron and Sloane get the car back where they realize the mileage is different from the one that Cameron’s emotionally abusive father will definitely notice. They try running the car in reverse to push back the mileage but when it doesn’t work, the usually depressed and emotionally repressed Cameron starts kicking it before realizing that he needs to confront his dad. Freddy catches them skipping school and is about to drop the boom on them by stabbing and then expelling them from school when Cameron leans on the car causing it to run Freddy over through a window and into a ravine beneath the house. The three stare at the heap in horror.
Suddenly, Ferris wakes up and realizes the whole adventure was just a dream. He’s greeted by his parents who’ve just returned home to check on him. He hears the distinctive horn of the Ferrari outside and tells them he is feeling better and would like to join his friends for their afternoon “study group.” Ferris joins Cameron and Sloane in the red Ferrari as the doors lock and the windows roll up of their own accord. The convertible roof closes on top of them showing the same red and green pattern as Freddy’s sweater. Freddy’s unmistakable laughter can be heard as they are driven away screaming in terror. Ferris’ parents wave goodbye to the kids from their doorstep as Freddy violently yanks them through the mailslot.
Do The Right The Thing
A UFO crashes into the street of Bedford-Stuyvesant, Brooklyn on the hottest days of the summer. Mookie, an undriven pizza delivery man for Sal’s Pizza run by an Italian family, starts his day greeting his family and various members of the neighborhood. A stray dog that doesn’t appear to be one belonging to anyone in the neighborhood runs past him as a helicopter crashes in the background. Sal takes in the dog who Mookie finds creepy and unnerving for some reason. Mookie’s sent on a delivery to a nearby neighborhood only to discover that the entire neighborhood has been demolished and abandoned. He also discovers a large block of melting ice that appears to have been thawed out from the inside.
Mookie returns to the pizzeria to discover that the dog had eaten and assimilated some of the other neighborhood dogs. Sal and Mookie realize the dog had been around for most of the dog and could have made a copy of one of the neighborhood residents. Mookie’s friend Buggin’ Out shows up announcing that he’s starting a boycott of Sal’s for taking in the dog and creating the rising tension in the neighborhood. He gets support from the boombox toting Radio Raheem and Smiley.
Later that night, Radio Raheem and Buggin’ Out confront Sal in his restaurant forcing him to reveal if he’s an alien by blasting Public Enemy on a boombox. He insists that they give him some of his blood so they can apply heat to it to see how it will react. Sal loses his temper and smashes the boombox with a baseball bat. Radio Raheem and Sal begin to fight in a struggle that spills into the street. Two police officers break up the fight and unfairly target Radio Raheem and kill him in front of a full crowd while trying to apprehend him. They flee the scene with Raheem’s body while the crowd confronts Sal who begins to shake until his head splits open in the shape of a giant claw that engulfs Buggin’ Out. The crowd forces Sal into his restaurant and things get violent when Mookie tosses a trash can containing a loaded stick of dynamite into the pizzeria burning it to the ground presumably with the alien creature still inside of it. Mookie shows up the next day to the smoldering remains of the building where he meets Smiley neither of whom know if the other has been assimilated by the alien creature.
Revenge of the Scanners
Lewis and Gilbert, two nerdy friends who have a unique ability to make people’s heads explode using telekinesis, are about to attend their first day of college. They soon realize that the college’s football team rules over the campus through intimidation and bullying. The two get a dorm room together but are thrown out when the team’s frat house burns down during a drunken party. Lewis and Gilbert explode the heads of the entire football team and their overbearing coach.
- About the Author
- Latest Posts
Danny Gallagher is a writer and comedian based in Dallas, Tex. He’s written comedy for Cracked, CNET, MTV Online and Mandatory and features for The Dallas Observer, The Onion AV Club and MEL Magazine. He’s also written comedy and game material for several titles for the Jackbox Party Pack series, the game studio Snap Finger Click and the card game Utter Nonsense!. He’s afraid to be loved.