Barnes and Noble — Your first name isn’t associated with an internet meme, but it will be.
Bass Pro Shops — You know what house your ex-wife’s lawyer lives in.
Circle K — You have reentered a drive-thru to protest a missing nugget.
Costco — You made a major financial decision based on an anthropomorphic spokes-animal.
CVS Pharmacy — Your bus pass was recently reinstated, conditionally.
Dick’s Sporting Goods — You missed your son’s Jazz Ensemble concert due to a “work thing.”
Dollar General — Your grandkids know where they stand on your favorability rankings.
GameStop — Everyone is terrified to take your clothes out of the apartment’s dryer.
Gap — You’ve responded sarcastically to a customer service chat-bot.
Hobby Lobby — You confronted a neighbor about something you found in their garbage.
Home Depot — You know what the city dump won’t accept, and yet you still try.
IKEA — You’ve written a note on the tip line of a bill.
Joann Fabric and Crafts — A small, yappy dog is mentioned in your will.
Kohls — You made your child tell a classmate they’re not allowed to be friends anymore.
Kroger — You removed a stick-figure family member from your car window, just to send a message.
L. L. Bean — You based your opinion of a country on a single interaction with a street vendor at a cruise ship port-of-call.
Macy’s — You love the fact that Instagram ads have you pegged.
McDonald’s — Multiple people bailed on your intervention.
Neiman Marcus — You’ve taken legal action against a dog breeder.
Nordstrom — You campaigned for a judge.
Orvis — You are a judge.
Panera Bread — You convinced someone to change seats, then spent the flight arguing with your spouse.
Pep Boys — You’ve used the phrase “my former old lady” in a legal proceeding.
PetSmart — Your Yelp reviews usually require the proprietor to respond.
REI — You saw the last eight Marvel movies in the theater and hated them all.
Ross — A final paycheck has been held until you returned a company-issued vest.
Sam’s Club — You know how much a neighbor paid for a wood-chipper but don’t know your child’s teacher’s name.
Sears — You used a timeshare exit service.
Sephora — You called someone from a Lyft ride to complain about your driver.
Starbucks — The prosecution and defense agreed to your removal from a jury pool.
Staples — It wasn’t really about the mask.
Sur La Table — Your kids go to a school that used to be a rich person’s house.
Target — You purchased a brand of dryer sheets because others were boycotting it.
Trader Joe’s — Most people only know you by your login name.
Walmart — You’re a selfish asshole who chooses to be misinformed.
Whole Foods — You’re a selfish asshole who chooses to be misinformed and you have Amazon Prime.
Andrew is a writer living in Portland, OR. He has performed sketch and improv comedy at Curious Comedy Theater, Kickstand Comedy Space, and the Detroit Improv Festival. His written work can be seen in places like Weekly Humorist, Slackjaw, Robot Butt, Points in Case, and Little Old Lady Comedy. Twitter: @andrewtweeets www.marshall.pizza