What To Expect When You’re Expecting Articles Of Impeachment

First of all, congratulations! (We’re not talking to you, we’re talking to the American people).

If you’re like most presidents who are expecting articles of impeachment, you’re more than likely a bit anxious and apprehensive about the days to come. This is, after all, the scenario that you’ve spent years preparing yourself for, but thinking would never come. And now, here it is! Your friends and family will be there with words of soothing comfort and encouragement, telling you that everything will be okay, and that there’s nothing to worry about. And no wonder! For decades, and in particular since becoming president, you’ve surrounded yourself with sycophantic suck-ups and soulless sociopaths who cling to your bulbous underbelly for their own nefarious ends. Needless to say, their words of comfort are worthless, and you’re totally screwed.

There are several symptoms that you’ll more than likely encounter when expecting your articles of impeachment. The first will be a slight wave of nausea, which will then become much more pronounced and severe. This could be due to the feelings of impending doom, but are just as likely due to a diet that consists of little more than mountains of fast food an carbonated soft drinks. These rumblings of nausea will be amplified by sudden feelings of paranoia and panic. You’ll quickly convince yourself that everyone is out to get you, and that, in fact, everyone hates you. Sorry to bust your bubble, Chubbo, but those aren’t paranoiac fantasies at all. You’re a horrible person and president, and everyone does indeed hate you. No time to worry about that, though! The thoughts of paranoia are suddenly joined by what appears to be an unsettling bout of a Tourette’s syndrome-type ailment, mostly relegated to social media postings, during which you’re unable to control your words, regardless of how inane and nonsensical they might be. This can last for days / weeks / months / years, and from all available evidence, seems to be incurable. Ultimately your hair will begin to fall out as well, which you would know about if it weren’t unnaturally plastered to your liver-spotted head.

But fret not! Soon your articles of impeachment will be here, and there will be nothing but pleasant days and happiness on the horizon for years to come! (Again, talking to the American people, not you.)