What Your Favorite Restaurant Bread Says About You
We all love complimentary bread to tide us over while we small-talk-it-out with our loved ones. The ambiance of a chain dining restaurant is unmatched. But, before you reach for the next roll, here’s what your favorite bread truly says about you from a chain restaurant connoisseur (credentials pending):
Olive Garden Breadsticks: This is a safe choice. If you choose this one, your idea of luxury is probably going to a Sunday matinee of an animated movie at one of the movie theaters with big recliners.
Cheesecake Factory Brown Bread and Baguettes: Congratulations, fancy pants! Is your cummerbund too tight? Much like the baguette on the table, you likely have a bunch of stuff that’s just for show in your home, like a room in your house just for sitting.
Texas Roadhouse Rolls: You have a wild side I mean who else is willing to eat hot rolls with a side of the salt sucked off a peanut shell?
Red Lobster Cheddar Biscuits: You’ve loved these biscuits your whole life, which means for every celebration meal you’re choosing Red Lobster. You are loyal, which leads to you constantly hyping everything up more than it deserves; you think escape rooms are fun outings, you believe that your 200 sq ft studio positioned by the highway is a ‘good’ value, and you were a Quibi subscriber until the end because you believed it was the future of consuming video content.
Panera Bread: You have the option between Scramble Title flavored chips and an apple, but you chose the bread. You start to eat your meal, and you put together you’re eating a sandwich a.k.a two pieces of bread with a side of you guessed it, one piece of bread. If this is you, then you recognize your mistakes and live with them, which is commendable.
Outback Brown Bread: Your mouth waters when that loaf of bread with a steak knife stabbed into its side comes to the table because TRAVEL. IS. YOUR. PASSION. And, by the sight of the authentic bloomin’ onion on the table, you are no longer in an outlet mall. Mate, you are Down Under. Because you’re a travelista, you likely studied abroad in college. You went to Grenada, and somehow you managed to incorporate that fact into dinner conversation. Every Throwback Thursday you post that picture you took in front of the Basilica de San Juan with the caption, “Missing Spain so hard right now, mwah. #Wunderlust”
O’Charley’s Rolls: You’re a great person. No notes.
Ally Johnson is a writer, comedian, and filmmaker based in Los Angeles. Words she’s written can be found in Blavity, CollegeFashionista, her notes app, among others