When Trump Told People They’d Never Have to Vote Again, He Wasn’t Threatening Democracy. He Was Working out Material for a Tight 5 at the Copa

“Sen. Tom Cotton (R-Ark.) said Sunday that President Trump was “obviously making a joke” when he urged Christian voters to vote for him in November and that, if they do, they “won’t have to vote anymore” because “everything” will be ‘fixed.’” -The Hill, 7/28/24

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If there’s one thing former President Trump is known for, it’s his raw comedic talent. That and of course, his incredible honesty and commitment to democracy. So, it was very clear to me that when he said in front of a crowd of Christian supporters that after 2024 they’d never have to vote again, he was just workshopping some material for a tight-five at the Copacabana.

 

Unlike Sleepy Joe and whatever adjective we’ve collectively decided to put in front of Kamala, Trump doesn’t need speechwriters. The man is a born comedian. And unlike the Democrats, we don’t have a bunch of little gay interns running around spinning every comment their woke overlords make. Nope, you’re getting straight talk right from the horse’s mouth. So yeah, maybe a few kinks still need to be worked out. But you better believe he’s going to absolutely kill.

 

…Not people. In the comedy world, when we say “he’s going to kill,” we mean in the laughter department, not the Department of Defense. Trump isn’t going to kill anyone. And if he said he was, that was also a joke. I mean he’s going to kill during his tight-five at the Copacabana.

 

Sure, the last time he ran for President, he said he could shoot someone in the middle of Fifth Avenue and not lose voters. And, occasionally, he might claim he’s going to “weaponize the DOJ” and “seek retribution” on his opponents. But that’s all just part of his shtick. His RNC speech was 92 minutes long. A lot of material is going to get cut– mostly none of his speech, and all of the social safety net, racist DEI initiatives, woke dictionaries, and federal workers who don’t laugh at his jokes.

 

He’s going to open with a really funny bit about the weird little man he picked as his running mate, and how that was probably a big mistake. It’s not actually a mistake, that’s what we call in both comedy and world-altering elections “the payoff.” And before Biden’s goons in the DOJ have me arrested, I should clarify by “the payoff,” I mean the climax of a joke, NOT hush money payments to undermine an election.

 

Did Trump say he was going to be “a dictator on day one” only a few months ago? Sure, he did. When he says his opponents are “vermin” who need to be “rooted out,” he’s definitely not echoing fascist rhetoric from Italy and Germany in the 1930s. He’s just testing out his latest Benito Mussolini impression before his residency at the Palm.

 

The crooked liberals are still pushing the silly idea that Donald Trump instigated an insurrection. He absolutely did not. The whole thing was just a funny bit performed by his opening act, the renowned improv group “Definitely Not Nazis.” When large groups of people attacked the Capitol, broke all the windows, and took a dump on Nancy Pelosi’s desk, it wasn’t an attempt to subvert our government and overturn the election. It was a sketch! Have you ever watched SNL?

 

You wish this nightmare was being written in a Hollywood writers’ room with lots of good snacks. Instead, we have a warehouse, a right-wing conservative Christian think tank, a case of Mountain Dew, and couches that JD Vance won’t stop staring at. Also me, comedic legend Senator Tom Cotton.

 

Think of the next few months as the setup. The punchline? Fascism.