- What an answer to prayer. A guest house, and a charming hostess. My Rolls Royce, alas, has run into a snowdrift. Blinding snow everywhere. I do not know where I am.
- I am very small and I have no money, so you can imagine the stress I am under.
- Twice I fall into the snow as I come up your drive, but at last I arrive and immediately – despair turns to joy. You can let me have a room – yes?
- And they go, “No! In fact, we’re going to frame you for murder!”
- Elephants can remember, but we are human beings and mercifully human beings can forget.
- I saw a wheelchair knocked over on it’s side… with no one in it. That’s a bad thing to see. Something happened there. You hope it was a miracle. But probably not.
- No innocent person ever has an alibi.
- And I had that thought, that only black out drunks and Steve Urkel can have— did I do that?
- Many homicidal lunatics are very quiet, unassuming people. Delightful fellows.
- Anyone who’s seen my dick and met my parents needs to die; I can’t have them roaming around.
- I specialize in murders of quiet, domestic interest.
- I’m standing there holding a red cup and I’m starting to black out and I guess someone said like something something police. And in a brilliant moment of word association I yelled “Fuck da police!”
- When the sea goes down, there will come from the mainland boats and men. And they will find ten dead bodies and an unsolved problem on Indian Island.
- That’s the end of the story, but how fucked up is that?
1,3,5,7,9,11,13 — Acclaimed Murder Mystery Novelist Agatha Christie
2,4,6,8,10,12,14 — Stand Up Comedian John Mulaney
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Georgia is a very lovely state in the United States of America. Georgia Shenk, however, is a comedy writer and satirist based in Washington, DC.