Who Said It: Acclaimed Murder-Mystery Novelist Agatha Christie or Stand Up Comedian John Mulaney?

  1. What an answer to prayer. A guest house, and a charming hostess. My Rolls Royce, alas, has run into a snowdrift. Blinding snow everywhere. I do not know where I am.

  2. I am very small and I have no money, so you can imagine the stress I am under.

  3. Twice I fall into the snow as I come up your drive, but at last I arrive and immediately – despair turns to joy. You can let me have a room – yes?

  4. And they go, “No! In fact, we’re going to frame you for murder!”

  5. Elephants can remember, but we are human beings and mercifully human beings can forget.

  6. I saw a wheelchair knocked over on it’s side… with no one in it. That’s a bad thing to see. Something happened there. You hope it was a miracle. But probably not.

  7. No innocent person ever has an alibi.

  8. And I had that thought, that only black out drunks and Steve Urkel can have— did I do that?

  9. Many homicidal lunatics are very quiet, unassuming people. Delightful fellows.

  10. Anyone who’s seen my dick and met my parents needs to die; I can’t have them roaming around.

  11. I specialize in murders of quiet, domestic interest.

  12. I’m standing there holding a red cup and I’m starting to black out and I guess someone said like something something police. And in a brilliant moment of word association I yelled “Fuck da police!”

  13. When the sea goes down, there will come from the mainland boats and men. And they will find ten dead bodies and an unsolved problem on Indian Island.

  14. That’s the end of the story, but how fucked up is that?

1,3,5,7,9,11,13 — Acclaimed Murder Mystery Novelist Agatha Christie

2,4,6,8,10,12,14 — Stand Up Comedian John Mulaney