• I Can’t Believe Insulting, Threatening, and Refusing to Work With Government Employees Didn’t Improve The Government

    How dare people criticize a man who really did all he could to offend and alienate every single government worker, using an innovative mix of incompetence and cruelty. 

    Read more
  • I’ve Always Had a Very Good Relationship with Dracula, But Something Has Happened to Him

    He wasn’t always like this. We go back a long time—fast friends since he was just good old Vlad the Impaler. (A metaphorical nickname, I’m sure, and a pretty cool one. Not that I’m jealous, but why can’t my subjects address me with such a badass title?)

    Read more
  • #ReekingRealityShows

    The Amazing Waste, Shark Septic Tank, Diner, Drive-ins and Dumpster Dives, and more #ReekingRealityShows on this week's trending joke game!

    Read more
  • The Rolex Venti Flex and Other Luxury Brand Collabs We Should Expect to See

    Chanel x DoorDash: The Haute Mess Collection
    This isn't just a luxury fragrance line. It's a testament to the complete surrender to convenience and culinary squalor. Each bespoke scent features notes of truffle oil, three-day-old ranch dressing, and the cold, unyielding desperation of a life slowly dissolving into meaningless. Spritz on “Pizza Grease No. 5” for that authentic scent of a late-night cry-session over lukewarm pepperoni, or bathe in “Midnight Nuggies” that capture the ephemeral aroma of processed poultry and profound self-loathing. Bottles arrive precisely 45 minutes past promised delivery, are suspiciously warm, and are gently launched at your door by someone who now legitimately hates you.



    Read more
  • Other Proposed Homeland Security Reality & Game Shows….

    King For A Day: Contestants compete in a series of challenges in order to get the chance to spend a day with President Trump.  In most cases on a day when there are serious security concerns about the president’s safety at public speaking events.

    Read more

THIS WEEK’S

Issue

Get a subscription to Weekly Humorist Today! Get 4 weeks for $2.99!

Listen in on the joke…

Humorist Podcasts

The Cartoon Pad w/ guest Jason Chatfield

This episode of The Cartoon Pad welcomes cartoonist, comic and author Jason Chatfield, His new book with Scott Dooley, “You’re not a real dog owner until…” is out now. We chat with Jason about his Process Junkie substack and how his mitigation of social media lets him be much more social!

Humorist Books

Featuring humor novels, cartoon collections, children’s book parodies, and more!

Greg Maxwell’s Inferno:The Erotic, Judeo-Christian, Modern-Day Odyssey No One Asked For

by Keith James

Hell has come to claim the last mortal universe. A bleeding tower has burst through the 24-Hour Fitness parking lot. Demons circle the city of San Diego. One name is called to challenge Lucifer’s Champion: Greg Maxwell.

BUY NOW

Lyssa Strata: A Comedy for the Frustrated 

by Martti Nelson

A small-town librarian finds her voice and kicks some misogynist butt in the process. Inspired by the classical Greek comedy, Lysistrata, librarian Lyssa Strata has long begged the Town Council of Athena, Massachusetts to repeal its disgusting, old, misogynist, and racist laws, but the Council, an all-male entity for 400 years, has blown her off as a redheaded spinster—who, according to a 1673 law, should legally be run out of town at the end of a musket upon a poor fiscal year. When Lyssa seeks to invade the male bastion as the first woman ever on the Council, the men in charge treat her candidacy as a hilarious joke; that is, until Lyssa leads the women of the town on a sex strike.

BUY NOW 

The Witch Demands a Retraction: Fairy Tale Reboots for Adults

by Melissa Balmain (Author), Ron Barrett (Illustrator)

Pinocchio Runs for Office, The Peeved Piper, Not So Snow White and so many more in this twisted collection of adult fairy tales!

This hilarious collection of poems by Melissa Balmain puts a grown-up, contemporary spin on the stories and characters we all learned as children, from Little Red Riding Hood, to the Three Bears, the Pied Piper, and Cinderella; each delightfully depicted in full-color by Ron Barrett, (Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs) one of the best and award winning illustrators in the business.

BUY NOW 

Seven Easy Steps To Go To Hell

by Brandon Hicks

What you see is not always the whole picture, as you’ll learn on your journey to HELL!

Occupying the lowest rung on the demonic corporate ladder, Beezle, Buzzle, and Barb have the unenviable task of ensuring enough souls are going to Hell. Using their patented Seven Deadly Sins™ method, the trio explains how you can get yourself a one-way ticket.

BUY NOW 

The # * % < ! + & Year in Review

by Ron Hauge

From Emmy® Award winner Ron Hauge (The Simpsons, Seinfeld, The Ren & Stimpy Show, In Living Color) comes ‘The # * % < ! + & Year In Review', a retrospective collection of single-panel, full-color cartoons selected from his popular Instagram account. The year 2020 will not soon be forgotten, but perhaps we can gain a little perspective with these biting, often outrageous illustrations lampooning Trump, the pandemic, social unrest, the whole mess. BUY NOW 

The Elements of Stress and the Pursuit of Happy-ish in this Current Sh*tstorm

by Bob Eckstein & Michael Shaw

THE ELEMENTS OF STRESS and the Pursuit of Happy-ish in this Current Sh*tstorm is a humorous handbook to help readers better deal with the challenges and headaches of our times, from overeating, to love problems, money woes, global warming, night sweats, winter itch, general anxiety, and so much more. Plus, over 70 stress-defusing cartoons from two of the best gag cartoonists

BUY NOW 

Dumb Jokes For Smart Folks

by Jessica Delfino

Dumb Jokes For Smart Folks delivers a grown-up spin on the quintessential children’s joke book. Chock-full of silly wordplay and looney leaps in logic, this collection touches on a variety of topics and themes, from the great outdoors, to celebrities, outer space, and recreational cannabis. Perfect for readers who wish to reconnect with their inner-child or anyone who enjoys a good guffaw- or groan-worthy joke.

BUY NOW 

A Gaslight in the Attic

by Matt Lassen

A Gaslight in the Attic is an expert satire of the Donald Trump presidency written from the perspective of the man himself! The book parodies the Shel Silverstein classic “A Light in the Attic” with original poems chronicling Trumpisms, his lies and contradictions and the classic “look this way so you don’t see that” gaslighting at its best! The over 70 hilarious original poems include original Shel Silverstein-esque pen and ink illustrations to enjoy along with it!

BUY NOW 

A Gaslight in the Attic

by Matt Lassen

A Gaslight in the Attic is an expert satire of the Donald Trump presidency written from the perspective of the man himself! The book parodies the Shel Silverstein classic “A Light in the Attic” with original poems chronicling Trumpisms, his lies and contradictions and the classic “look this way so you don’t see that” gaslighting at its best! The over 70 hilarious original poems include original Shel Silverstein-esque pen and ink illustrations to enjoy along with it!

BUY NOW 

From the Campaign Trail or Thereabouts

by Michael Bleicher & Andy Newton

From the Campaign Trail or Thereabouts dives into the contradictory, divided, and all-too-often unsettling state of the union. Like Huck Finn meets Game Change, the novel examines the politicians and popular figures who played starring roles in 2016 and holds up a mirror to the electorate that ultimately made Trumpism possible.

BUY NOW 

How Amusing

Read what all the fuss is about…

I Can’t Believe Insulting, Threatening, and Refusing to Work With Government Employees Didn’t Improve The Government

How dare people criticize a man who really did all he could to offend and alienate every single government worker, using an innovative mix of incompetence and cruelty. 

I’ve Always Had a Very Good Relationship with Dracula, But Something Has Happened to Him

He wasn’t always like this. We go back a long time—fast friends since he was just good old Vlad the Impaler. (A metaphorical nickname, I’m sure, and a pretty cool one. Not that I’m jealous, but why can’t my subjects address me with such a badass title?)

#ReekingRealityShows

The Amazing Waste, Shark Septic Tank, Diner, Drive-ins and Dumpster Dives, and more #ReekingRealityShows on this week’s trending joke game!

The Rolex Venti Flex and Other Luxury Brand Collabs We Should Expect to See

Chanel x DoorDash: The Haute Mess Collection
This isn’t just a luxury fragrance line. It’s a testament to the complete surrender to convenience and culinary squalor. Each bespoke scent features notes of truffle oil, three-day-old ranch dressing, and the cold, unyielding desperation of a life slowly dissolving into meaningless. Spritz on “Pizza Grease No. 5” for that authentic scent of a late-night cry-session over lukewarm pepperoni, or bathe in “Midnight Nuggies” that capture the ephemeral aroma of processed poultry and profound self-loathing. Bottles arrive precisely 45 minutes past promised delivery, are suspiciously warm, and are gently launched at your door by someone who now legitimately hates you.

Other Proposed Homeland Security Reality & Game Shows….

King For A Day: Contestants compete in a series of challenges in order to get the chance to spend a day with President Trump.  In most cases on a day when there are serious security concerns about the president’s safety at public speaking events.

Tape Rewinder at Blockbuster and 15 Other Jobs To Keep Off That Resume

Tape Rewinder at Blockbuster, Animation Cell Colorer, Pay phone Change Collector, and more!

Substitute Teacher Macho Man Randy Savage Introduces Himself to a Kindergarten Class

Zip your lips and put your listening ears on cause Mr. Macho Man Randy Savage won’t stand for whispers, murmurs, or talking in any hushed tones. It’s the Champion’s prerogative that you pay attention.

New MAGA Flavors from Ben & Jerry’s

White Chocolate Supremacist, Noem Noem Noem Cheesecake, Grab her by the Cookies and Cream…and more!

#IckyActionMovies

Beverly Hills Slop, Starship Poopers, Pacific Rim Job, and more #IckyActionMovies on this week’s trending joke game!

The Devil And A Guy Who Never Read Webster’s

Satan works diligently behind a large, ornate desk.  A sultry female demon sashays into the office, followed by what at first appears to be a particularly ragged and foul-smelling soul of the damned.

My Dog Eats His Own Puke Because He Is a Strategic Genius

You’ll never believe what my genius dog did yesterday! He came across a huge mess in our house and immediately devised a way to clean it up, all by himself. I’m so impressed that he quickly found a solution to a problem that could have really inconvenienced our whole household.  The only way I could be prouder of him is if he wasn’t the one who made the mess in the first place. 

The Holocaust Museum Was a Powerful, Sobering Experiencing, but I’m Deducting a Star for Lack of Parking Options

So all things considered, I’m giving the Holocaust Museum and Memorial a respectable three and a half stars. Which is a half-star less than the rating I gave to the Applebee’s I’m currently at. (If the Holocaust Museum served dollaritas, I’d give it an extra star.)

Other Gifts That Only Stupid People Would Turn Down, Besides a Jet From Qatar

A gift horse whose mouth you promise you will not look into even though you are really curious. 

Signs You’ve Crossed the Funko Pop Rubicon and There’s No Coming Back

You Describe Yourself as an Investor, But Only Own Toys: You call it “investing”. Your friends call it “a cry for help”. Your Funko portfolio is diversified across fandoms, from Marvel to The Golden Girls, but your Roth IRA has $17 and a coupon for Arby’s.

Katy Perry’s Adventure in Space

Katy floated in space for 11 minutes, while back on earth, Taylor Swift wrote a new concept album in 10.

Passover-Week Reviews of The White Lotus, Thailand 

I know it’s a wellness resort and we were doing Passover, but how is the restaurant Michelin rated if they literally served us bitter herbs for all eight days? The four cups of wine tasted like juiced grapes with ginger. And I swear that shank bone they prepped for us looked too human. 

#BankruptBreakfastCereals

Golden Scams, Turning Trix. Zeerios, and more #BankruptBreakfastCereals on this week's trending joke game!

A 4/20 Sesh or a Kids’ Easter Egg Hunt?

Cody rocks up in a giant pink bunny costume. Bailey is in the backyard spinning in circles, singing “Baby Shark,” and trying to pat her head and rub her tummy. Luna gets the munchies and asks if there’s anything to eat. And more!

Gandalf Disbands the Fellowship of the Ring, Blaming It for Rise of “Ring Anxiety” Among Youth of Middle Earth

You may ask, though, do the youth of Middle Earth really have “ring anxiety,” do they follow the news, preferring instead to waste their hours endlessly eyeballing those short scrolls filled with runes of cats doing silly things, “influencers” reviewing the latest in leather aprons, and all sorts of drivel scribed as if by trolls? 

The Bandwagon vs. The Showboat

And they’re off! The bandwagon and the showboat. A matchup decades in the making, a contest long sought by fans of vehicular sports metaphors. And now it’s here: The Race, presented by Merriam-Webster.

20 Trump-Approved Alternative Names for New Mexico

New Greenland, Rump Colorado, X-ico (Elon’s suggestion) and more!

Best Bargains At The New 10 Dollar Store

All Neckties!: Whether for the holidays or just a night on the town for a scheduled political conditioning display, we have what you need! Please note, all neckties, electrical chords, garden hose extensions and bits of rope are available only following a week long waiting period during times of widespread financial distress and market turmoil.

I’m Locked in My Neighbor’s Basement and Can’t Leave Till You Subscribe to This Kid’s Substack

But let me ask you this in return: Is $4.99 really too much to spend on freedom (of speech)? Hasn’t your literary tastes been missing an essential frame in the proverbial (and non-existent) Goodfellas film reel that is your Substack subscriptions?

 Get The Weekly Humorist Updates!



She Cut Me Off! A Eulogy Written by My Old Nose, After My Nose Job.

As I lay on the cold, unforgiving surface of a surgeon’s dish, I reminisce on my life. Twenty two years. Twenty two YEARS I gave to that ungrateful hussy. I gave her smell, I gave her beauty, I gave her three sinus infections a year- give give give! That’s all I ever did for her. I gave. And what does she give me in gratitude to my services? She gives me the KNIFE! Cuts me off, like some toe wart.

The Bandwagon vs. The Showboat

And they’re off! The bandwagon and the showboat. A matchup decades in the making, a contest long sought by fans of vehicular sports metaphors. And now it’s here: The Race, presented by Merriam-Webster.

The Funniest At-Home Rules to Turn Every Type of Game into a Comedy Show

 We all love to play games, be it solo or with loved ones - until someone’s arguing over if ixnay is a valid Scrabble word (it is - we checked). But even the best games can benefit from being taken to the next level with some quirky at-home rules. So, if you’re in need of some good laughs, we’ve got you covered with some funny rules that will have you in stitches.

Simple Airbnb Check-Out Instructions From Your Host

We hope you made yourself at home in our humble abode! This is a friendly reminder to be checked out by 9:00 tomorrow morning in order to give our cleaning crew ample time to prepare for the next guests. If you would like to request a later check-out time, feel free to message us at least 24 hours before check-out, though it looks like we are already within that window, so nevermind. 

Your Dog’s Guide To A Safe And Happy Fourth Of July, by Your Dog

Fireworks, right? Ugh. Who needs 'em? Look, I haven't forgotten about the incident with the rug last year, and I know that your mate hasn't allowed you to forget either. No one wants a repeat of that.

An Open Letter To Whoever Is Abandoning Their Used Underwear On The Shower Towel Hook At The Gym

Towel hooks should only be used for towels, not underwear. Think I’m being too vigilant? Consider that you’ve been sweating into your skivvies for long enough that your sweat has overwhelmingly stained the fabric, transforming them into a disgusting Rorshack test. I’m not even sure if, in their current state, we can still refer to them as underwear. No, they’re more like a sweat rag with an elastic waist.

BOOK EXCERPT: Eating Salad Drunk

You can always tell / Who went to Catholic school / They are atheists. —MIKE BIRBIGLIA This and more haikus from comedy greats in the new book 'Eating Salad Drunk' compiled by Gabe Henry with illustrations by Emily Flake!

I Must Regretfully Decline Your Invitation to Beef

My enemies list is highly exclusive and that membership has been closed since you were an ill-considered gleam in your whiskey-addled father’s eye.

Talking’ Bout My Veneration

The whole tragic, last days of Christ had been imprinted on our our little Catholic brains since Kindergarten. Images of that poor, super-skinny dead man, hammered into splintery wood, with prickers on his bleeding head, were so commonplace that, by age eleven, looking at it was about as troubling as looking at a hamburger.