1-Star Reviews of Major United States Landmarks

The White House
Thought it would be whiter. Never saw the President once. 1 star.

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Route 66
More like RUDE 66! Someone honked at me after I veered in their lane. Okay, I veered into their lane twice. I was trying to text and read a book! The book wasn’t even that good. Started really slow and the love interest wasn’t really my type. 1 star.

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The Smithsonian
Wouldn’t even let me touch the ruby slippers. My neighbor said when she went that they let her try them on. Not fair. I have smaller feet than my neighbor. They would have fit me much better. When I got back home, my neighbor said they must have thought I had athlete’s foot. I do, but she shouldn’t make assumptions like that. 1 star.

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Bryce Canyon National Park
My friend told me they would let me in for free because my name is Bryce. They didn’t. 1 star.

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The Museum Of Modern Art (MoMA)
A lot of really old stuff there, like 1990s old. Maybe you need to be clearer on how you guys define modern. Felt kind of cheated. Won’t go back. 1 star.

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Arlington National Cemetery
So many dead people! Severely bummed me out. And the Tomb Of The Unknown Soldier, maybe out of respect to the dead we should try to figure out who this guy is. With technology, it wouldn’t be that hard. At this point, they could probably even clone the guy. I’m not a scientist, but I probably could be if I wanted. 1 star.

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The French Quarter
Thought this would be interesting for my adult grandson, who collects commemorative quarters. Accidentally got caught in some kind of debaucherous parade. Drank too much and spilled family secrets. 1 star.

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Lincoln Memorial
If they don’t let you climb on him, how are you supposed to get up there and kiss him for good luck? 1 star.

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Cloud Gate (The Bean)
Barely edible. 1 star.

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The Golden Gate Bridge

You call this a gate? Anyone can pass through this thing. You could build something much more secure for a lot less. For my backyard fence, I used 1×4 pickets and 1-½ inch galvanized finish nails. It keeps my dog Cha Cha in and my neighbor Gary out! I can’t imagine how many dogs and neighbors pass through this giant hunk of junk every day. 1 star.

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The Grand Canyon
I fell in, which was definitely my fault, but when I got to the bottom the wifi was terrible! 1 star.

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The Space Needle
Thought I was going up to space like Bezos and Shatner, but this thing never left the freakin’ ground, let alone took me to a galaxy far far away. Also, the burger I got at the restaurant had a hair in it. I complained but the waitress said she saw me put it there. Why was she watching me so closely? Kind of creepy. 1 star.

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The National 9/11 Memorial
Sad! 1 star.

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The Statue of Liberty
Didn’t move as much as in the Ghostbusters film. In fact, it barely moved at all. I stared at it the whole time I was there and it hardly moved. If it did, it was really slight. 1 star.

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Crazy Horse Monument
Umm, you want me to pay money to see something that isn’t even finished? That’s insane. A movie theater doesn’t charge you full price to see half a movie. Well actually I never pay for movies because I sneak in through the emergency exit between shows. But you know what I’m getting at. Stop being lazy and finish the sculpture. 1 star.

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The Alamo
Forgot it almost immediately. 1 star.