10 Things To Remember While Watching The Total Solar Eclipse

1)  Staring straight at the sun during an eclipse could do serious damage to your eyes; if you’ve already spent the last several years watching Keeping Up With The Kardashians, however, you should probably be fine.

2)   If the moon is indeed made of green cheese, then it will undoubtedly melt quickly while in such close proximity to the sun.   In fact, we should probably expect warm green queso to fall from the sky shortly thereafter.

3)   Despite what he’ll say at the time, the eclipse is not a magic trick performed by President Trump in order to prove that there is no such thing as global warming.

4)   The universe is a place of awe-inspiring wonder and the infinite, mind-bending unknown; unfortunately, that awareness also comes with the knowledge that our species are the cockroaches of the universe.

5)   The sun just needs a moment of privacy, and it’s nothing personal.   Don’t allow it to hurt your feelings.

6)   You can create your own version of the eclipse by playing a game of Twister with a friend.    Step one, go and try to make a friend somehow.

7)   How is this possible when the Earth is flat?    Also, why do people think it’s so weird that Mom and Dad are siblings?    Love is love, and it can happen anywhere, man.

8)   Don’t wear a shirt while viewing the solar eclipse.   At least, not that shirt.    No offense, it makes you look a bit chunky.

9)    Try not to stare at the eclipse for too long.   You’ll give the sun an inferiority complex.   Like, why are suddenly so interested?    Why aren’t you outside staring up at the sky every day like this?

10)   The solar eclipse is synonymous with your relationship with your spouse:   an occasional moment or two of closeness, followed by months of going around in circles.   Also, the moon probably has chlamydia and messy shower habits as well.