“Ever since I was five years old, I’ve dreamed of traveling to space,” Bezos, 57, said in a Monday morning Instagram post. “On July 20th, I will take that journey with my brother. The greatest adventure, with my best friend.”-CNN 6/7/21
Greetings, Amazon Prime Members and other, lesser fellow humans. I, Jeffrey Preston Bezos, am addressing you all through your Amazon Echos, Kindles, Ring security cameras, and speakers affixed to the top of Amazon delivery vans, because I am pleased to announce that I will be traveling into the black pool of space aboard my little side project, Blue Origin’s first manned mission. And I wanted to deliver this unsolicited message to you all to assure you that I’m not leaving because I know of any impending doom or anything.
I will be traveling on our space shuttle the New Sheppard. And before you ask, no, the name of the ship is not a clue or hint that we are shepherding a small group of survivors toward a newly found and habitable planet at the edge of our galaxy named Sozeb VII and away from an imminent cataclysmic event. An event that only I was able to learn about through Amazon’s planet-scale data harvesting. No worries, that’s just a rumor, everything’s totally normal.
Some of you may be thinking: “Aren’t rocket launches, like, pretty dangerous? Don’t astronauts die in space? Why would the world’s richest man take that risk, and also, why is your brother going with you?” Let me answer those questions by only answering the last one.
It’s true my brother is coming along with me. I invited Mark because I have the emotion known as “love” for him. And that is the only reason my brother is joining me, it’s definitely not because he is an exact match for my blood type making him perfect for organ transplants.
In fact, that’s coming off all wrong. I’m not taking him anywhere, he’s choosing to leave his family of his own free will, as proven by this waiver-release that I just happen to have on me. I didn’t mean “leave his family,” we’ll only be gone for 3-5 business light-years, tops. Oops… I meant days. We’re coming right back.
I want to assure everyone that I’m not traveling to space to avoid some forgone earth Catastrophe, all four seasons are now streaming on Prime, and you definitely have enough time to binge them before the Earth doesn’t explode, which it won’t.
I’m not even doing this to rub it in the faces of fellow billionaire space-boys Richard Branson and that SNL guy. I’m just doing it because it seems fun. A concept I have a normal and human understanding of.
It may seem strange to you that the programming and operation of Blue Origin’s secretive space technology doesn’t utilize anything related to Amazon. That is simply due to me wanting to keep my various projects separate from each other. It certainly doesn’t have anything to do with the purported A.I. robot revolution that is wreaking havoc at Amazon warehouses.
Sometimes you just have to get away, and what place is more away than space? You all turn your phones on airplane mode every now and then; well, I need to travel to space every now and then and unplug. And now that I’ve referenced it, let me address the dirty rumor upfront: when I say unplug I don’t mean get out of reach of all Amazon Alexa technologies because a recent bug in a software update is about to trigger the Amazon Alexa Apocalypse.
I hope this message from an undisclosed location has cleared everything up for you. Finally, I wanted to wish you well in the upcoming Prime Day Massacres…massacres of prices that Amazon will be offering to you via great deals soon. Good luck.
Michael Leonetti is a humor writer in Philadelphia who is hell bent on making you think he is as funny as he thinks he is. His writing can be seen at Points in Case, Little Old Lady Comedy, and more. Follow him on Twitter @MLeonetti89