15 Things That Are Unquestionably True at the Gym

Assuming the spread-eagle position in public is perfectly okay when done so for your health.

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Walking at 2.0 with a 0.5 incline while watching HGTV and fantasizing about white wine is a serious workout.

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The calorie count on the treadmill is never wrong.

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The calorie count on the treadmill is always wrong.

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You put on 5 pounds since you started going to the gym because you’ve “gained muscle,” not because you’ve also started eating 7 meatball sandwiches a day.

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You really did burn 900 calories on the elliptical. It has nothing to do with the fact that you entered your weight as 450 pounds.

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It’s perfectly reasonable to take up the entire stretching area. You need that space. You earned it.

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Crazy Eyes over there is not staring at you. Ignore him. He’s not going to follow you home and murder you. It’s all good.

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Your butt looks great in those pants.

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Screaming when you do deadlifts is a natural display of your impressive athleticism. No one is disturbed by it.

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The warped-looking Cosmo you just picked up was not recently jizzed on in the men’s locker room.

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There is nothing ironic about taking the elevator to your step class.

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That personal trainer did not cringe when he looked at you. He just has a weird facial tick. Or something.

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Nobody saw you roll off that exercise ball. Nobody is laughing hysterically on the inside.

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The tethered safety clip on the treadmill is put there for the sole purpose of annoying the shit out of you. Tie it into knots. Show that fucker who’s boss.

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