Other Gifts That Only Stupid People Would Turn Down, Besides a Jet From Qatar
Here are other gifts that only stupid people would turn down:
A dinner with the President, if you buy a $TRUMP meme coin for $14 and then agree to pay two million dollars for the privilege of attending said dinner.
Plenty of luxury travel, if you are a U.S. Supreme Court Justice (and especially if your first name is Clarence).
Free unsecured Wi-Fi, if you are Pete Hegseth.
Greenland. Oh, wait. It is an autonomous territory within the Kingdom of Denmark. Maybe it can’t technically be gifted. Let’s just take it.
An inch. Actually, you should just take a mile.
Funds for your inaugural committee from a foreign lobbyist, tech billionaire or oligarch (or the proceeds from a foreign lobbyist’s, tech billionaire’s or oligarch’s lemonade stand).
Actually, anything from an oligarch, like a chandelier, a portrait, a set of golf clubs, advice on how to skirt democratic safeguards, autocratic style tips, etc., etc.
Your presence, after you are invited to a party by way of an invitation that specifies: “Your presence is our present.”
A campaign donation from a tech company, leading you to suddenly have a change of heart and oppose antitrust legislation.
A campaign donation from an energy company, causing you to rethink your staunch opposition to environmental regulations.
A campaign donation from a real estate developer, which is perfect given that you are serving on a government housing committee.
[You get the idea. This is the campaign gift that keeps on giving.]
Hush money. Just ‘cause.
Donations from conspiracy theorists, if you are Marjorie Taylor Greene.
A veto on the U.N. Security Council. Use it wisely, friend.
A new car, after pointing a weapon at the driver and ordering his exit from the vehicle following a bank robbery where your buddy was supposed to be the getaway driver, but he bailed unceremoniously leaving you without the means of escape. You knew you couldn’t trust him, dammit.
A free lunch. (Just kidding. There is no such thing.)
A gift horse whose mouth you promise you will not look into even though you are really curious.
Love. (And other human emotions, blah blah blah.)
A moist towelette after eating chicken wings on your brand-new Qatari luxury jet.
Fodder for satirical humor pieces.
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Nicole Chrolavicius is a lawyer, author and co-host of The New Yorker Cartoon Caption Contest Podcast. She lives in Burlington, Ontario, Canada with her husband, three kids, and her unyielding existential dread.
