Better Tips For Combating Your Spring Allergies That Aren’t Zyrtec

Reduce your exposure to pollen by hibernating inside until June.

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Make your dog wear a hazmat suit when exiting the house. (You should probably do the same.)

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Drink half a handle of vodka and get too drunk to care.

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Deny climate change. If it’s not real, it can’t worsen your sneezing.

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Say, “Hey, hay fever! Hay is for horses.” It will listen.

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Smoke so much weed that you can’t tell if the irritation in your windpipe is coming from the allergies or the Mary Jane.

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Blame your parents for their faulty genetics. It won’t help your allergies, but you’ll have somewhere else to direct your rage aside from nature and grass and pretty flowers, which are all objectively delightful.

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Chop off your hand with a huge kitchen knife. Even if you don’t make a full, clean cut, I bet your itchy eyes seem like small potatoes now.

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Watch the last scene in Homeward Bound in a loop so you can feel something aside from your burning throat.

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End civilization by actively encouraging climate change. Burn fossil fuels. Deforestate. Toss some plastic bottles in the road. Invest in a data center. Your allergies will go poof! And so will everyone else’s.