Best of 2020

Angel & Devil On My Shoulders Can Agree On One Thing: The Dandruff On My Shoulders Is Gross

My shopping cart is blown by a gust of wind into a parked car, denting it. 

ME: Shit! What do I do?!

An angel & devil appear on each of my shoulders.

ANGEL: First of all, watch your language.

DEVIL: C’mon, that’ll buff out. No witnesses. You’re in the clear. Besides, it’s a Pontiac Aztek. You’ve improved it.

ANGEL: You should really leave a note. 

DEVIL: Yeah, write: “Your parked car came out of nowhere and hit my shopping cart.” Hurry up, ice cream’s melting. 

ME: I’m with the devil on this one. But I’m just going to leave now. Not doing the whole mean note bit. 

DEVIL: Okay and one more quick thing. 

ME: What’s up?

DEVIL: While you’re taking my advice, I think it might be a good idea if you start keeping up a little more with your …

Devil waves his pitchfork around my head.

DEVIL: … situation.

ME: My what? My dander? What does that have to do with the issue at hand?

DEVIL: Forget I said anything.

ME: Okay, well, I don’t think I’m going to take advice from the actual devil. You’ve got my back on this one, right angel?

ANGEL: I don’t want to get involved. 

ME: But you always tell me to get involved! When those guys at the car wash were surrounding that lady’s car! Turns out they were just drying it off, but I would’ve never known that if I didn’t listen to you.

ANGEL: Well, I mean, he makes an interesting point. There’s like A LOT over here. I mean this looks like the snow-capped peaks of Kilimanjaro. How’s it over there?

DEVIL: Like the snowfall at the end of It’s a Wonderful Life

ANGEL: Jimmy Stewart?

DEVIL: The greatest. Philadelphia Story?

ANGEL: I’m more of a Vertigo guy. 

DEVIL: Different strokes. Mr. Smith Goes To Washington?

ANGEL: Now you’re talkin’.

DEVIL: Always gets ‘em.

ANGEL: They don’t make them like that anymore.

Angel nudges my ear.

ME: Wait wait wait. Aren’t you supposed to give me sage wisdom while you strum a golden harp? You’re mocking my condition.

ANGEL: I don’t know. Something’s telling me not to do that stuff this time. I want to be as straightforward as I can about this. No theatrics. Just between the three of us, how often do you wash your scalp?

DEVIL: Tell the truth.

ME: Devil?! Do you hear yourself right now? Tell the truth! You’ve never said to tell the truth. 

DEVIL: I agree with him on this one. We can’t ignore this anymore, it’s out of hand.

ANGEL: Frankly, I don’t see how we can offer solutions to your life decisions in these working conditions. Just an hour ago, you were thinking real hard about whether you should buy off-brand cereal or Kellogg’s for an extra 82¢ so naturally you scratched your head. No harm done if it weren’t for these unfrosted, head flakes that came hailing down on us. And you’re asking us for clarity.

DEVIL: More like low visibility due to asbestos blizzard.

ANGEL: Like a border agent slashed open a bag of cornstarch right above your head to make sure it’s really cornstarch and to humiliate you at the same time.

DEVIL: Like a snow globe without the glass dome or the water or the Dickensian winter scene. 

ANGEL: So…snow. 


DEVIL: Yeah. 

ME: You guys are getting a lot of mileage out of essentially the same joke.

ANGEL: You’re right. It’s more like when you get Styrofoam in a package and it breaks apart all over the place. And then you have to break out the vacuum to really get it all up. Nightmare.

DEVIL: Speaking of packaging, there’s products specially made for people like you. It’s a whole new world.

ANGEL: Really? Can’t get caught buying that shit. You want to get a jump on this today? Take off your overcoat and just wear the white undershirt. Noone’ll know the difference.

ME: I think you’re forgetting that you guys share my likeness, okay? You’re like little versions of me so every time you make fun of me, you’re making fun of yourselves.

DEVIL: Then do it for our sake, bud. We’re like the children you’ll never have.

ANGEL: Yeah, don’t try to divide and conquer us. And I take back what I said about leaving a note. We need to get you home ASAP if you want to keep that dream of ever procreating alive.

The devil and angel vanish.

ME: Assholes.