As a Long-Time Drinker of The Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool Water, Everyone Needs To Relax

As a long-time drinker of the Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool, I think everyone needs to calm down. I appreciate President Trump’s decisions to add a new flavor. It’s still as good, if not better, as it has ever been. And a fun factoid I learned, it’s longer than the tallest building in the world if it collapsed perfectly on its side.

 

Take it from me, I have been drinking from the Lincoln Memorial for over sixty years. I still remember the first time I drank from the pool’s yummy depths. It was an extraordinarily hot Washington, D.C. day; it used to be a swamp, ya’know, and I had decided to jump aboard the March on Washington. I got stuck near the back and could not hear a word that fella King was saying. I got so very thirsty, I didn’t pack enough, or really any, water. What was a man to do?

 

So, I stuck my hand in the reflecting pool and took a sip, which became a slurp, then ended as a full-face in water chug. People near me tried to pull me out, but I had tasted the elixir of life. I had to be the only one in the world who knew how good this water tasted. I tried to tell everyone around me, a pal at the time, Bobby K or something like that, said he was more of a meat guy. More water for me, I guess.

After a tricky bout of unrelated stomach and intestinal issues at Walter Reed Hospital, I began my weekly trek to the Reflecting pool. What started as a way to get some water on a hot day became a tradition, like going to church or watching the Commanders lose a game or change their name.

 

Over the years, the pool has not changed much; occasional drainings have made me happy about my gallons of pool water in storage. I have witnessed many great speakers and singers. I am even in the background of one of those Marvel movies. I tried to get Spiderman to drink my water, but he didn’t go for it, fool. But I have also seen my beautiful pool disgraced. Like when those anti-war free love freaks tried to bathe in my, I mean our, national pool. You should show some respect.

 

I am not much of a political person; I drink my water and go about my day. But the Obama presidency was a tough time for me. He kept draining the pool, like it was nothing but a skatepark in development. He said he closed it the first time for an algae outbreak that cost the National Park Service a hundred grand. Then he had to drain it again because of an infestation of something called a ‘blood fluke.’ I think it was a fluke that he got elected twice. But again, I am not a political person.

 

This past April, I did my weekly walk to the pool and found it drained, and they were painting it too. What a beautiful blue. Everyone knows that if you paint something blue, it makes good water. Blue is the color of water, it’s simple science. Anyway, I had to wait for a long time to drink the water. I’m not too political but I began to think that this Trump guy may not know what he is doing. Yet, the water returned and it looked like it had before.

Except for one thing. It kept having these blue chunks float to the top. It was good and popped with flavor.  I think the kids call that boba or something. I went back to my methodical drinking regimen. But this last time I was accosted at the pool, can you believe it? These six National Guard boys picked me up and accused me of disturbing the pool. I would never do such a nasty thing, I explained it to them too. But I was locked up.

 

And that’s how I am writing to you now. So, if you are a lawyer, I need your help getting out of this DC correctional facility. If you are not a lawyer, you should do yourself a favor and fill your Stanley mug with some Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool water. You might discover something new about yourself, parasites and all.