Vote Buying Is Illegal, so Instead We Are Going to Give You a Sum of Money in Exchange for Your Vote

“Trump floats $5,000 Checks to Americans if Republicans Win Midterms. The president offered a “dividend” to every adult citizen if Republicans keep control of Congress.” – The New York Times (September 9, 2026) Trump Floats $5,000 Checks to Americans if Republicans Win Midterms – The New York Times

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Pursuant to Section 597 of Title 18, vote buying is expressly illegal. Wilful violation of this federal law is punishable by fine or imprisonment. That is why Republicans would never buy your vote. Instead, Republicans are going to give you a sum of money in exchange for your vote. This is not vote buying, but rather:

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Vote Suggesting

We suggest you vote for Republicans so that you can get some free cash. Vote suggesting is not only legal, but also the reason we created political parties. Vote suggesting is the bedrock of democracy.

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A Vote Loan

We will induce you to vote Republican in the midterm elections with the promise of money that you can only spend within the United States. The minute you spend any of that money, it comes right back to us, the government, in the form of tariff income. It’s a vote loan. Any resemblance to a loan pyramid is entirely coincidental.

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A Vote Keepsake

You give Republicans your vote, and Republicans give you a little keepsake in the form of an adorable chunk of cash.

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A Vote Lay-Away Plan

We will give you money if you vote Republican. However, the return on your investment will only be realized if Republicans win the midterms. As such, this plan is a buy-now-pay-later system of political power in which Republicans’ political power will be cemented henceforth, when refusing to leave office in 2028 and beyond. Eventually, like most lay-away plans, you will enter a debt spiral of regret, but it will be too late to save yourself in this cash-strapped, debt-ridden, war-torn economy.

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A Vote Buyback

Just like the bond market, we will buy your votes as a hedge against exploding borrowing costs, the seizure of credit markets and a stock market crash that makes Black Monday look like a spa day. Just like the Treasury is buying back its debt, we are going to buy back your vote. Just as interest rates go up when the Treasury buys back its debt, interest in our scheme will go up given that the average citizen will be forced to start paying attention when the economy crashes.

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A Vote-for-Us Rewards Program

You sign up for our vote rewards program by giving us your vote in exchange for the promise of cash. However, the cash is not your reward. Your reward is a Republican political victory.  Besides, did you really think we would be sending you money through the mail in order to make good on this promise? That would make us use the very postal system that we are trying to ban you from using in order to vote. Not gonna happen.

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Vote Compensation

You vote for Republicans, and Republicans give you money to compensate you for the piece of your soul that you must sacrifice in order to justify this racket.