The 5 Stages Of Grief, Election Loss Edition

Denial (Of Facts)
Unable to accept what is plain to see for everyone else.   Refusal to face reality, regardless of the facts.    This may have worked for denying climate change and the existence of a pandemic, but this situation won’t be as easily swept away.    Send your lawyers into the fray, and while you’re at it, go ahead and try suing COVID as well.

Anger (At Fake News)
Well, this one is comfortably familiar at least.    Those damned fake news outlets have cost you the respect of your friends and family, the love of your nation, and now, finally, your job.     You never really had those first couple of items anyway, so maybe that will help you deal with the latter?     If not, at least take some comfort in the fact that there will soon be lots and lots of movies about you.

Bargaining (With Rudy)
In a nice twist on a classic, the two biggest rats are desperately clinging to one another as the ship quickly sinks.    Do your final sneaky, slimy favors for one another for old times sake, and then please just disappear beneath the surface of the water forever.

Since you placed the country into a depression, it’s only fair to expect you to suffer through one as well, right?    But hey, at least that gives you a good excuse to sit around by yourself, eating junk food and watching tv.    Oh, wait….

Acceptance (Of Election Results)
This may be a bit out of your reach; you’ll go to your grave insisting that you won the election, and that you were cheated.     But, when will that be exactly?    We need to know so that we can schedule the parades, and those tend to take LOTS of planning.