Freddy Krueger is the Humanitarian of the Year 

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Freddy Krueger is the undisputed humanitarian of the year for releasing one teenager from the death-grip of sleep which precedes certain mutilation at the hands of Mr. Krueger’s own knife-fingers. Mr. Krueger is considering whether to release other teenagers from this dystopian death-drenched dream state. One hopes that, someday, he might even consider stopping or slowing the vicious murder of people while they sleep but, for now, no one’s holding their breath.

While Mr. Krueger claims to be open to continuing talks to stop this horror, Jenny from tenth-grade chemistry reported that her lab partner was found impaled this morning after nodding off in class. His body was found stuck to the ceiling. Mr. Krueger has not claimed responsibility for this latest victim but sources report that his initials were carved into the wall at the crime scene.

Despite these complications, Mr. Krueger continues to insist that the teens he is killing could stop everything by joining him in his underworld nightmare lair forever.

The humanitarian gesture of releasing one teen from an endless hallway of torture devices and peril was heralded by the UN, the Pope and peace activists around the world who came together to praise Mr. Krueger as a “champion of peace” (which was unfortunately autocorrected to “champion of pieces”) and “representative of the moral fiber to which we should all aspire”.

A giant singing chain of children, whose arms were linked across a number of countries in Europe, continued their peaceful march to gain attention to their plea on behalf of future generations that Mr. Krueger be awarded the Nobel Peace Prize for “leading with empathy by sometimes allowing us to live another night before being murdered” and “providing a light in the darkness future generations to follow”, even if usually following that light in the darkness of a dream ends with being stabbed repeatedly.

Indeed children everywhere are so grateful that, of the countless teenagers who have been ruthlessly tortured to death while they sleep, at least one teen has since been spared. “What a beautiful moment for world peace and togetherness”, claimed little Jimmy with a tear in his eye, right before his afternoon nap which resulted in his intestines being pulled from his body and wrapped around a tree. Mr. Krueger did claim responsibility for that death which he continued to insist was necessary to affirm the secret unstated desire of all teenagers to join him, join him (a statement which was followed by deep, booming laughter).

Mr. Krueger claims in the meantime to be humbled by the honor of being called a humanitarian, and pledges to continue his tireless quest to alleviate the suffering of the children everywhere. Suffering, after all, is his specialty.