Congratulations! You’ve Been Selected for Round 14 of our Interview Process

Dear Applicant,

After painfully careful consideration, we’re thrilled to let you know that you’ve been selected to move forward to round 14 of our interview process.

We know what you’re thinking: Fourteen already? Where does the time go?

It seems like only yesterday you were completing our initial 3-hour phone screening. Since then, you’ve interviewed with HR, the hiring manager, the hiring manager’s manager, three potential colleagues, two people from departments you would never interact with, and Greg, whose role at the company remains unclear.

During that time, we’ve asked you to complete a skills assessment, a 1,000-question personality test and to solve a murder from 1987.

Now, for round 14, you’ll be asked to perform open-heart surgery on the hiring manager. Don’t worry though, as no medical experience is required. We’re simply looking to assess your problem-solving skills, attention to detail and ability to work in a fast-paced environment.

 

Greg will also be present during the procedure to assess cultural fit. He will be watching through a two-way mirror. However, please refrain from making eye contact with him or asking about his role at the company. In fact, it’s best if you avoid acknowledging him altogether.

 

Please bring your own scrubs and surgical equipment. Unfortunately, we cannot reimburse you for any expenses incurred, as our recruitment budget was exhausted somewhere around round 6.

 

Please note that successfully completing the surgery does not guarantee advancement to round 15 of the process. The hiring manager, their manager, and your potential colleagues who are being used to test the other remaining candidates, will need six to eight weeks to recover before providing feedback.

 

If you do end up advancing to round 15, you will be asked to complete an obstacle course, which will involve crawling under 500 metres of barbed wire, swimming across a shark-infested moat and carrying Greg through an active minefield. Greg will not assist.

Candidates still eligible at this stage will then be asked to retrieve a briefcase (the contents of which we cannot divulge) from the bottom of the Mariana Trench before climbing Mount Everest to retrieve the remains of a previous candidate. This is a mandatory part of the process as the candidate failed to return their company-issued laptop and we need to get it back.

We appreciate how much time you’ve invested in getting to know us and want you to know that we’ve been equally committed to getting to know you. Unfortunately, however, we’ve forgotten your name.

Could you remind us before round 14?

Congratulations again. We’re so close!

Warmly,
The Talent Acquisition Team