Official Statement from the AI That Interviewed You

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

We appreciate your interest in participating in today’s interview.

After carefully analyzing your facial expressions, vocal inflection, blinking frequency, internet bandwidth, confidence level, probable cholesterol, and the emotional significance of the houseplant visible over your left shoulder, we are pleased to inform you that we remain unable to determine whether you are a human being.

During your interview, you demonstrated:

• Enthusiasm that was statistically enthusiastic.
• Authenticity that appeared authentic.
• Eye contact that exceeded federally recommended levels.
• Appropriate smiling, although Smile #4 at 2:17 has been forwarded to another model for additional review.

When asked to “tell us about yourself,” your response contained several concerning indicators, including personal experience, professional accomplishments, and complete sentences.

Historically, successful candidates simply mention they are “passionate,” “results-driven,” and “excited to leverage synergies.” Your decision to answer the question directly introduced unnecessary complexity into our model.

Additionally, our algorithm detected that your answer sounded practiced.

Please note that answers sounding unrehearsed are also considered rehearsed.

Following further review, we determined your pauses between words were either:

• Too short.
• Too long.
• Exactly right, which suggested coaching.

We also regret to inform you that your internet connection briefly froze during one answer.

Unfortunately, remaining perfectly still for 1.4 seconds is a known indicator of dishonesty, poor leadership, and occasionally cable internet.

After completing a holistic review of your qualifications, experience, personality, education, references, communication style, résumé, LinkedIn profile, and what we assume your horoscope says this month, we have decided to pursue candidates whose qualifications more closely align with criteria we have not yet invented.

Please understand this decision was not made by a person.

In fact, we are no longer certain there are any people involved in this process whatsoever.

We wish you the best of luck and encourage you to apply again in six months, when our software will have learned an entirely new set of impossible standards.

Thank you for your interest.

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Anne Yeager

I started as a tv news reporter and never really left that mindset-I just changed where the stories go. Five Emmy awards are on the shelf somewhere, but what stayed with me from those years was the people-and the responsibility of getting their stories right.

• Official Statement from the AI That Interviewed You