The Rambling Manager of a Grocery Store Makes his First Announcement on the Intercom

Testing, testing. Check one, check two. Is this thing on? Ahem. Attention Shoppers, this is the manager, Brad Derkowitz, and I’d like to make an announcement. Well, I guess I’m already making an announcement. Jeez, this isn’t off to a great start. Can I start over?

 

Okay, take two. Ahoy, mateys!

 

Nope.

 

Not sure why I said “ahoy.” Or “mateys.” I’m not a pirate. I’ve never even been on a boat.

 

Attention shoppers, it’s still me, Brad Derkowitz—but you can just call me “Beef Derky.” It’s an old high school nickname from my beef jerky days. Actually, I don’t really care for dehydrated, tough, stringy beef anymore. So, maybe don’t call me “Beef Derky”? Or do. Either way. It’s fine.

 

Oh. Right. The announcement.

 

I wanted to thank all of you for shopping at Foodland. Foodland: the store for all of your grocery’s needs. Oops. I mean, “all of your grocery needs.” That made it sound like your groceries have needs. Could you imagine if groceries had needs? Which grocery item would be the most needy? I bet Pineapple would. Total diva energy.

Full disclosure: this is my first intercom announcement. I’m still getting used to hearing my voice over the speakers. Every time I talk into this thing, half my brain focuses on speaking and the other half becomes a customer listening to the announcement.

Honestly, the customer half isn’t impressed.

I emailed the president of Foodland—haha—“the President of Foodland,” like it’s a sovereign nation. “I am the President of Foodland. Over 95% of our GDP comes from exporting—you guessed it—food.” Where was I? Right, I emailed the president to ask for advice on making announcements. She said, “Be yourself and just have fun with it!” I was hoping for something a bit more concrete. Her advice was only slightly more useful than my teacher’s back in grade school when I was nervous and told to, “Picture everyone in their underwear.”

 

Anywho, I guess I’ll just stick to being myself and trying to have fun.

 

Are all of you having fun? I guess grocery shopping isn’t too exciting. Let me see if I can spice things up a bit with some back-up music for these announcements. Ah, yes, here we go. A little C+C Music Factory. Time to turn this Foodland into a Music Factory.

 

[Gonna Make You Sweat (Everybody Dance Now) starts playing]

 

When I say, “Fresh,” you say, “Produce!”

 

Fresh!

 

Uh, fresh…

 

I can’t actually hear what’s happening out in the store from inside my office. Is anyone participating in my call and response? Wait, I can’t hear your answer to that either.

 

Okay, I’m looking at the bank of security cameras. You, man with the grocery basket and baseball cap by the deli counter, give me a thumbs up if people were participating in my call and response.

 

Hmm, an emphatic thumbs down. My call and response is dying a disgraced gladiator’s death.

 

Okay, same man by the deli counter, can you start a call and response?

 

He pulled his baseball cap down, abandoned his basket, and he’s heading for the exit.

 

Better get a clerk to put the items from his basket back on the shelves. Paging Robby, Robby to the deli counter. That’s Robby to the deli counter for restocking. Wait a minute, Robby’s not scheduled to start until 6:00. Who’s on the day shift? “Jimothy”? That must be a typo. Except we don’t have a Timothy or a Jimmy on staff. If your legal name is Jimothy, please report to the deli counter.

 

Sorry, shoppers, I’m also new to making schedules. Well, new to grocery stores in general. I used to be a train conductor. All aboard!

 

No one seems to be grooving to this classic jam. Maybe I just need to play it louder?

 

Oops. Too loud. People are plugging their ears. Sorry.

 

Everybody shop now! Everybody shop now!

 

Hmm, no one seems to be shopping. Just standing around in stunned confusion by the look of things on the monitors.

 

You there, woman in the dairy aisle with the grocery cart that has a wonky wheel. No, not you, the other one. No, not you, either. Mental note: repair the grocery carts with wonky wheels—they outnumber non-wonky-wheeled carts. The woman with the sun hat. What would make this more fun? Sorry, I still can’t hear anyone—just see you on the security monitors. Can you act it out for me, charades-style? Charades are pretty fun. Oh, she must not like charades because she abandoned her cart and is heading for the exit.

Paging Robby to the dairy section for restocking.

Nope. Forgot again. No Robby.

Jimothy? If you’re real, this is your moment.

Folks, I’m not going to lie. This thing has gone off the rails. Which, as a former train conductor, is exactly the phrase you never want to hear. And the reason I now work in a grocery store.

Sorry, I’m really rambling here.

Pull yourself together, Brad. Your high school friends didn’t call you “Beef Derky” just because you liked Jack Links, they gave you that name because you’re tough. And because you had alarmingly high levels of sodium. Take a deep breath. What was the point of this announcement? To thank shoppers and notify them about this week’s sales. Right, the sales.

We’ve got some great sales this week. Well, some pretty good sales. Some not-too-bad-sales. Some prices are marginally lower than they were last week while others are considerably higher. It’s all a numbers game. A little bit of grocery store 3 card monte.

 

Sorry, I don’t set the prices, folks. I’m just a middle-man trying to do my best. Middle-man. More like monkey in the middle. I feel like I’m caught between following orders from corporate and trying to serve the customers.

 

That’s it. It’s been there right in front of you the whole time, Brad. Serve the customers.

 

Attention shoppers, I’m having a manager’s sale. I’ll be handing out coupons by the check-out for the next fifteen minutes which will give you an employee discount on your entire purchase.

 

Wow, that seemed to do the trick. People are shopping with the motivated frenzy of  contestants on a grocery-themed game show.

Someone just sprinted toward seafood.

A woman has placed three hams into her cart in under 4 seconds.

I’ve created something beautiful.

Or legally problematic.

Either way, what a turnaround.

Way to go, Brad. Rising from the ashes of your first announcement like a majestic phoenix.

A phoenix who may have accidentally violated company policy.

Hold on, someone’s knocking on the door.

For the record, there is a Jimothy. He’s been standing outside my office for ten minutes trying to tell me the intercom has also been broadcasting to three neighboring stores.

Whoopsie-daisies.

 

Make sure you come back next week, shoppers—you won’t want to miss my announcement about Foodland’s newest sales.