Doritos Product Rebrands: Cool Ranch Division
Coolest Ranch Doritos: First we gave you Cool Ranch, then came the bigger, bolder taste of Cooler Ranch. Now say hello to our most crushable chips yet, with twice as much “cool” flavor in every snackalicious bite. Did someone say, “Hell, yeah?”
Xtreme Coolest Ranch Doritos: A lot of people thought we didn’t need anything cooler than Coolest Ranch. But I didn’t obtain a dual degree in molecular gastronomy and climatology from the Nabisco School of Food science at Rutgers and go on to become head of the Doritos Advanced Research Product Arm by listening to naysayers. With three times more “cool” flavor in every bite, these chips will make you forget the Earth is rapidly warming.
Next Level Xtreme Coolest Ranch Doritos “Hasn’t this gone far enough?” you might ask. “Does this not border on lunacy?” I’ll give you the same answer I gave my wife when she said I was spending too much time in the lab inventing new chip flavors and not enough time with my family: I don’t think so.
Carbon Sequestration Cool Ranch Doritos: Based on my grad school research, these chips release a tangy blast of carbon capturing nanoparticles with each snacktastic bite.
Cool Ranch Retro Reboot Doritos: OK, I get it. Stay in your lane. My job is to bring you radical new chip flavors, not to traffic in “unproven theories about the weather.” I’m sure this has nothing to do with our parent company’s controlling stake in a shale oil venture with ties to a certain Middle Eastern dynasty. The good news is there’s nothing controversial about this snackalicious throwback. They’re still cool, don’t get me wrong, just not in a temperature sense. More like “hip” or “stylish.”
Zero Kelvin the Lowest Temperature That Is Theoretically Possible and Also The Earth Is Warming Ranch Doritos: FUCK THAT. Cool Ranch has never been about playing by the rules. If you like rules, go eat some Utz. Cool Ranch is about upsetting the status quo, even if costs you your security clearance, your marriage, your sobriety. Good riddance! Climate change IS NOT A HOAX, and there’s no such thing as too much “cool” flavor! Don’t believe me? Try our new cooler-than-cool Zero Kelvin Doritos, exhilarating to the thermodynamic limit. Global warming is real you idiots!
The Ice Is Melting Underneath My Feet Ranch Doritos: I’m locked out of my computer, my files have gone missing, and I’m pretty sure I’m being followed. If that’s how they want it: fine. Nobody is more dangerous than a man with nothing to lose apart from his dignity and a Party Size bag of chips with 1,137 times more “cool” flavor in every thought-provoking bite, the only thing I’ve eaten today because I can’t get into my house and my accounts all are frozen. Get it? FROZEN?! I’ve been sleeping in my car.
It’s Extremely Cold in This Abandoned School Biology Lab Ranch Doritos: I hear footsteps approaching as I write this by the light of an old Bunsen burner. I’m hiding this final press release inside a bag of our most crushable chips yet, with an unimaginable eiπ times more “cool” flavor in each soul-effacing bite. (The secret ingredient was chalk!!!) To whoever finds this: tell my story! Tell them I fought to engineer the most snackalicious chips in the Snack-O-Verse while sounding the alarm on climate change. Tell them I was driven underground by Big Chip. Tell them I had nothing to do with the fire at the lab. And remember: coolness is a state of mind. So be cool to each other. And compost. I know it’s annoying because you need a third trashcan, but it makes a difference.
Cooler Than Before Ranch Doritos (Under New Management): Is there anything better than zesty new flavor of chips? As interim director of the Doritos Advanced Research Product Arm, I work for your taste buds. That’s why I made sure these bad boys were loaded with more “cool” flavor than anyone has seen since research was temporarily halted for a routine equipment overhaul. Buy a Family Size bag today and get a free gallon of gas at any Frito-Lay owned filling station.
