Exciting New Nail Polish Colors for Spending Your Valentine’s Day Home Alone!

Bold Red Alone in Bed with Snacks and “Jane Eyre” on Netflix, the Michael Fassbender One, Berry Naughty Thoughts About Michael Fassbender, Sexy Fishnet Stalkings of Michael Fassbender’s Full Frontal Pics Online, and more!

Valentine’s Day Messages, as Dictated by My Kindergartner, Prior to My Suggested Edits

"Cameron. I hope you don't get sent to the cool down zone on Valentine's Day, because then you will miss the Valentine's Party." "Henry. You are so funny with your tiny little smile." And more!

CARTOON: Updated Valentine's Day Candy Hearts

The more things change...Today's cartoon by Jason Chatfield and John Ficarra.

CARTOON: Bleeding Heart

Light headed. Today's cartoon by David Ostow.

Our Valentine’s Day Prix Fixe Menu Does NOT Allow for Substitutions, Because YOU MADE A COMMITMENT TO IT 

Root Vegetable Salad: Artichoke hearts, hearts of palm, and heart-shaped beet carpaccio. You promised to eat this salad when you made the reservation; that’s a public covenant we take very seriously. Do these veggies go well together? They should. But going well together takes effort. 

A Memo from Cupid: Changes to Valentine Season

Collazac for Countenance: This innovative arrow delivers a double-dose of collagen and Prozac, designed to fix sad wrinkly faces that have persisted beyond 2020. Your target will be able to put on a happy face even living with the troubling news that The Masked Singer is now getting spin-offs.

Ask Dr. Kit- Special Valentine's Day Lovesick Edition

I woke up during one of our dates, naked and freezing in a bath-tub full of ice! I'm sure that you know this one... yep, my kidney had been removed and stolen! Even more upsetting, she managed to abscond with another of my organs.... my heart!

Nine Quagmires You Can Only Understand If You Are a Teenage Worker Working at Edible Arrangements the Week Prior to Valentine’s Day

6)  You instinctively dip your hand into the vat of hot milk chocolate to retrieve the AirPod and you burn your fingers.

CARTOON: Cupid's Prep Table

Love and romance prepper. Today's cartoon by David Ostow.


Love at first fright. Today's cartoon by Ali Solomon.

A Guide to Your Chocolate Sampler Box

Cherry Cordial: Simple and sweet. Like the beginning of a relationship, before it’s clear that your partner is incapable of remembering your Wheaten terrier’s birthday. And more!

CARTOON: Trump Valentine

Are you tired? Because you've been Russian around my head all day. Today's cartoon by Bob Eckstein.

Transcript: On a Date with an NPR Host

Phil: Tonight’s date will be in four parts: Act I: Pleasantries: Shallow, nonaggressive compliments, observations about the restaurant’s rustic decor; Act II: Dinner and the Exchange of Personal Anecdotes: I’ll tell my story about that time I saw John Travolta at the post office; Act III: Foreplay: Are ears an erogenous zone? We’ll explore each other’s bodies and find out; and, finally, Act IV: Lovemaking: Can two souls still passionately intertwine in our modern age? Stay tuned. Anna: Sorry?

Valentine's From Your Mom's New Boyfriend

You're a the way OWL be moving my Bowflex into your playroom.

Love Me, Tinder! Worst Dating Profiles

Larry, 38, Nap enthusiast: My friends call me Lunchmeat Larry (except for my best friend, my mom, who prefers to call me Lunchmeat Lawrence), due to the fact that I smell uncannily similar to processed lunch meats,

CARTOON: Valentine Smarts

Chocolate Heart Inflation. Today's cartoon by Alexis Novak and Jason Chatfield.

Valentine's for Your Roommate

Valentine, you still owe me for your share of the utilities for December & Thanks for being a quiet masturbator, Valentine. And more!

An Open Letter from the Giant Teddy Bear You Received Last Valentine's Day

Dear Roxanne,   It’s me again. 337 days, Roxanne. It’s…

Most Romantic Valentine’s Day Lies

  “I’ll love you forever.” In cosmic terms, a human…

Valentines for America's Most Beloved Sexual Predators

With Valentine’s Day fast approaching and so many winsome men…

Man Killed For Giving Girlfriend A Snail Instead Of Engagement Ring

GILA BEND, Arizona – Hiram Trask and Emma Baldoon were high…

White House Valentine's Day Cards


Rejected Candy Hearts

Your Fist Is On My List Four Fingers?!? Please?…

Trump/Putin Rom-Coms

Four Elections and An Impeachment Donald is a brash but sensitive…