A Quick Word From Your Super Chill Non-Confrontational Roommate

Hey roomie! Have a second to chat? I just wanted say I think it’s super cool how you scream at the moon at night. I love that you’re an artist and stuff. The only thing is, it’s kind of really hard to sleep when you’re making so much noise….Though I guess I could ask my boss if I can start working the nightshift.

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‘Sup dude, me again!  Hey, so- this morning I noticed there were like, two to three outdoorsmen having sex on my bed. You told them they could crash there if they didn’t have a place to stay…Don’t get me wrong, I love meeting new friends.  But maybe next time you could give me a heads up so I could, like, get out of the bed first?

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Funny mishap last night, my dude! I saw you and your friends were like, drinking wine out of my mom’s urn. Listen I’m not mad or anything. Mom was always tryna bring people snacks and stuff, so she probably would have been cool with it… But if you could wash it out and put it back instead of leaving it in the toilet that’d be super chill. Also, I’d love to know what you did with the ashes. If you threw them out, I get it- they’re kinda gross! But they’re also like, my mom’s bodily remains or whatever, so it would be dope if I could get them back. You the best, bro.

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Hey. Can we talk? When you adopted that donkey you said you were mostly gonna take care of it… but I feel like I’ve been the one brushing it… wiping it… letting it sleep in my car. If I didn’t like it so much, I’d be kinda pissed that you never buy it food! Ha-ha. Um, maybe you could pitch in and help with the vet bills once and a while? No rush though, I know you’re really busy starting your band, and it’s not like the donkey’s glaucoma will be clearing up anytime soon. Let me know.

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For sure for sure for sure for sure for sure… Of course you can have the parking spot on my days from now on. But listen man, if you guys are gonna vote on this stuff, maybe we can do it when I’m not at work next time? You’re right, it doesn’t really matter since the donkey always votes with you. And that’s majority! But still, could be cool if I was here next time. Just for authenticity of parliamentary procedure and all that. LOL.

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Okay so, I’m not accusing you or anything. But I just noticed there’s like 8-10 vials of blood by the coffee maker, and I feel really lightheaded. I mean it’s probably your blood cause like, you have blood too, but I was just wondering if maybe it was mine?  Anyway, can’t wait for your improv show tonight- you’re gonna kill it, man!

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Hey. So me and the donkey have been talking. And we want you to move out, since you don’t pay rent or anything. The donkey is gonna get my room, and I’m gonna sleep on the back porch. The donkey is also gonna get your room, since it needs an office. It works from home so it makes sense.

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Well, I guess this is goodbye. Man, I’m really gonna miss you. Sure, of course you can keep my Netflix login, and also that one credit card you haven’t given back. Anyway, I gotta go now. The donkey says there’s work to be done.