Here are the 6 types of girls you’re guaranteed to run into at the emergency room!
The Girl with a Pole Through Her Head
Seriously, how is this girl even still alive? Her name is probably Tamara, or Debby, and she’s an engineering student who somehow managed to get a steel pole impaled through her head on a walk-through of a construction site. But of course, her hair still manages to look flawless- Classic girl with a pole through her head! Since the hot steel cauterized the wound upon entry, she’s in no danger of blood loss, so you’ll find Tamara or Debby giggling in the waiting room, making small talk with the other patients as if there wasn’t a large steel pole protruding from her skull.
That’s the thing about the typical pole-impaled-though-head-girl: She’s a friendly face (albeit a horrifying and alarming one). Everyone loves her, and everyone’s calling science and fate into question, because how the heck is Tamara or Debby walking and talking? Oh girl with a pole through her head- we’d hate you if you weren’t so darn cute!
The Drama Queen Who is “Going Into Labor”
Ugh, we’ve all ran into this attention-seeker at the emergency room. Rushed in by an anxious spouse, this extremely pregnant woman will smoothly try to cut the line by shouting, “I am literally giving birth at this exact moment” or “I feel my baby’s head exiting my body!” Yeah, okay, sure, drama queen. Newsflash: people have babies on TV everyday, and it always turns out fine (in comedies). If the kid happens to fall out before you get to the doctor’s room, that also means the hospital is legally obligated to name the chair, hallway, or tile in front of the vending machine where your kid is born after your family- which sounds like a pretty great deal, with or without insurance!
And would someone please tell the pregnant lady’s spouse, like, we get it- your wife is so incredible for pushing a football sized flailing lump out of her body while all the rest of us did today was hang out with a girl who’s got a pole shoved through her temple. Now take a number and take a seat.
The WebMD Know-It-All
This woman thinks that just because she knows how to Google “lobster clamped down on hand and will not release,” she’s some kind of medical genie who can diagnose a crustacean metacarpal injury. To make matters even more annoying, you know this woman- who’s probably named Sharon, duh- is telling anyone within ear’s reach in the waiting room all about her genius “diagnosis”. Well someone should tell Sharon she did not go to medical school, and Web MD is a tool for hypochondriac hacks and helicopter parents who are too lazy to invent more creative diseases.
Oh great- Now Sharon’s probably waiving around the animal attached to her hand, claiming it’s a certified genuine Maine lobster from Red Lobster. So you’re a fisherman too now, Sharon? You’re a fishmonger with experience in identifying Maine-native crustaceans?
On the other hand, in her other hand, she’s is continuing to look up WebMD symptoms on her iPhone, and diagnosing the other patients too. Gee, just because you know how to Google “pole through her head” doesn’t mean that’s the only thing wrong with a person! Leave Tamara/Debby alone!
The Mom Who Does Extreme Sports
We’ve all met this mom at one point or another: She plays Top 40 during carpool and always has HotPockets in the freezer for after school. She’s not just a cool mom- she’s an EXTREMELY cool mom, and Linda never backs down from a double-dog dare (even if it means two broken arms resulting from a dirt-bike accident).
It can be hard not to immediately be impressed with the chillax vibes Linda is throwing down in the corner of the emergency waiting room. By the relaxed way her broken limbs are hanging at her sides, you know she’s definitely the kind of parent who lets her teenage son and his friends have beers at family campouts. Right on! This cool-ass, dank-ass chiller mom is the only person here who might be hurt worse than Tamara or Debby, which is sure to have everyone in the ER super impressed and whining, “Ugh Linda, why can’t you just adopt me already?”
The Woman Who Uber’d Via Ambulance
Let me tell you, there’s one in every emergency room! The woman who Uber’d via ambulance is that classic party girl in her early thirties who works in finance and doesn’t have time for bullshit Uber surges. Last night she wanted to leave the club, and leave the club NOW. Since everyone knows an ambulance is just about the fastest way you can cut through traffic in the city, when Natalie (or Fratty Natty as her drunk friends call her) realized a Taco Bell was conveniently right across the street from the hospital, she called 911 faster than you could drop it like it’s hot. If only emergency services didn’t refuse to let her walk through the drive-thru, and then make her come in for an evaluation. :/ Classic Fratty antics! This woman needs serious help.
Now it’s 9am and she’s still in her club clothes from the night before, hissing near the waiting desk and easily mistaken for a ratty, tequila-reeking hobgoblin. The living embodiment of Amy Schumer’s character in Trainwreck, Fratty Natty is a dumpster fire every emergency room has, and a great way to remind everyone else there that whether or not they have a pole through their heads, life could always be worse!
That’s right, bigots. Plot twist: the ER doctor is a woman. Bet you never expected a woman to have gone to medical school, obtained an M.D., and then begin working in the field she was trained in as an emergency room doctor. Bet you never expected someone who identifies as female to also enjoy getting paid to administer healthcare to patients in high-stress situations. Bet you never expected that woman- against all odds- to also have a metal pole stuck through her head. That’s right! People with pole heads go on to do incredible things, including being female doctors you run into at the ER. There is so much hope for you, Tamara/Debby. Don’t go into the light.
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