Alternate Endings To Game Of Thrones As Written By Different Writers
J.J. Abrams- Cersei and Jaimie are actually dual halves of the same person, and they are living out a fever dream their father has been experiencing since having been shot on the toilet by their brother, Tyrion. We are introduced to a mysterious new character named Kimbra, who doesn’t fit into the storyline whatsoever, but whose presence has an unexplained overarching effect on the fates of every character. As credits roll, everyone wakes up separately in Los Angeles without explanation. No one is sure what the hell they just spent the last eight years watching.
Margaret Atwood- Cersei captures a harem of male slaves who are chosen for their sperm count and testicular worthiness. The men are forced to wear a uniform of taxidermied wolf heads and are stripped of their individual names, instead given a number representing their sperm count at the time of enslavement. Eventually Winter comes to King’s Landing and Cersei is so enraged by the mass shrinking of testicles, that she sets the entire kingdom on fire.
Lars von Trier- Daenerys becomes convinced that her dead dragon, Viserion, is communicating with her from beyond the grave. Everyone assumes she’s just become eccentric, bordering on mentally ill. She spends the entire last season unraveling into a spiral of promiscuity and auditory hallucinations. In the last episode, we find out that her dead dragon has, in fact, been communicating with her from the netherworld, and that her wide net of sexual experiences has somehow saved all of the realm from obliteration. Bjork is electrocuted. Viewers feel depressed for ten days following.
Jill Soloway- Arya and Sansa get into an altercation with a bagel merchant at King’s Landing. They need two dozen bagels for Bran’s Barmitzvah, which in Winterfell marks the celebration of a young man becoming the Three-eyed Raven. Arya believes the merchant is overcharging them for the four gluten-free bagels they ordered for Bran, who has a wheat sensitivity. Sansa argues that since they’re using the Winterfell expense account anyway, it doesn’t matter how much the bagels cost, and convinces Arya to put away her sword. They pay for the bagels, and the whole ride back to Winterfell bicker over who had the more difficult childhood.
J.K. Rowling- Despite the series’s already infamous reputation for rampant sex, it is disclosed that, when not in a visible scene, every single character- human and animal- is simultaneously engaged in an ongoing orgy that the viewer cannot see. It also turns out that Lord Renley was secretly straight the whole time.
George R.R. Martin- With roughly eight main characters remaining alive at the beginning of the season, at least one main character dies in each episode, with two being brought back to life so they can kill off the ones who haven’t yet died. Methods of death include decapitation, horse trampling, poison, a different kind of poison, being set on fire, drowning, being pushed out of a window, childbirth, white walkers, grayscale, and accidental impalement while trying to sit on the throne.
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Sarah Hutto is a writer whose work has been in McSweeney’s, The New York Times, Shouts and Murmurs, and The Washington Post. Her turnoffs include antidisestablishmentarianism and ghosts. Follow her @huttopian on Twitter.
