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I’m Dorg, The Lowly Servant in Charge of Lighting Every Single Candle at House Targaryen and It’s Bullshit That My Scenes Always Get Cut

Hi Internet. Dorg here, the lowly servant in charge of lighting every single candle at House Targaryen on the hit show “House of the Dragon”. I have a bone to pick with the editors, directors, and so-called showrunners at Home Box Office Incorporated. First off, I and most all of Westeros, have no problem with you plundering and filming all the gripping ins and outs of our many lives on a weekly basis in order to create prestige TV, I mean – who can blame you, our world is a never-ending technicolor content bastion. BUT I DO have a problem when I go to watch the first four episodes of “House of the Dragon” and see that all of MY scenes got cut – that’s bullshit.

 

It’s baffling to me that the editors and showrunners unanimously decided to show the illuminating fruits of my labor (lit candles and other big, decorative things that get lit) but for some reason not me (Dorg, lighter of things). Do we really think that the modern viewer is erroneously going to believe that when Rhaenyra walks into an exquisitely candle-lit room to chat with her frenemy Alicent Hightower that all those candles WEREN’T expertly lit by a servant who has ten years of expert candle training under the tutelage of Grand Candle Maester Clarence Candelite? ‘Cuz again, that’s bullshit. And it’s even bigger bullshit that now all 10 million plus viewers who watched the biggest series premiere in HBO history have no idea I exist.

Maybe the executive producers, production heads, story editors, and HBO Chairman Richard Plepler have some misgivings about showing Dorg on screen. Maybe they’re worried that Dorg doesn’t seem like an interesting character and overall seems kind of dull, uncaptivating, boring, poorly written, one-dimensional, and straight-up uninspired. They might even say something like “C’mon, a candle lighting servant that peacefully lives in the foul-smelling section of House Targaryen who constantly runs around lighting and snuffing out candles all day? That sounds ridiculous and completely made up”. Well, to that comment, I only have but one question in reply. Do you know what else is kind of dull, uncaptivating, boring, poorly written, one-dimensional, and straight-up uninspired? The entire show. Please, gods of old Valyria, stab me in my legs and give me something exciting to stare at. A much-welcomed flesh wound seems like great fun compared to this drivel. Either that or Amazon’s “Rings of Power” (The trailer looked pretty good and I heard they had 25 million viewers!).

 

But frankly, if you don’t think that Dorg deserves as much on-screen time as all the other boring ass old men sitting at boring ass old tables talking about unimportant boring ass bullshit and wondering who is going to give them a glass of wine or hand them a sword or come into the room with some hot trash plot-enhancing tidbit, then could we at least consider trying to include more spirited and dynamic kinds of people in the show? Like people with different economic situations (like a lively dragon dungeon cleaner), and all kind of people who don’t look like sullen elven vampires, and people who proudly know what a healthy relationship is, and people who don’t try to wed children, and people who have a well adjusted home life and minimal familial baggage, and maybe even people who don’t have any nefarious plans to overthrow and conquer and kill anything at all but instead just have killer sense of humor and can slay a room with a one liner. Is that too much to ask?



 

As someone who has long witnessed the brilliance of every kind of candle there is, I can’t stress enough that our world (and the streaming world) will always get better when we decide to let more light in. And then honor the lighter of that light with copious amounts of screen time and high-paying syndication royalties. Thank you for your time and consideration. Signed: Dorg, the lowly servant in charge of lighting every single candle at House Targaryen.

 

by Tim Cahill

Tim Cahill

Tim Cahill is a writer and musician living in New York. He loves animals, rock & roll, and a nice pair of jeans.