Alternative Bathroom Options For When Your Selfish Roommate Has Severe Abdominal Pain

Your roommate is still in the bathroom with what he calls “severe abdominal pain” or whatever. The point is, he’s hogging the bathroom and you need to relieve yourself before heading to the big meeting today. He are some alternative options for you.

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Neighbor’s Bathroom – You barely know your neighbors. You pass each other sometimes on the stairs and occasionally open their mail and watch their cat when they’ve gone away on vacation, unbeknownst to them. Well, guess what? This is the perfect time to introduce yourself. Pound several times on their door and yell “EMERGENCY” as many times that feel right to get their attention. Once they answer the door, pause, give them a look in the eyes and yell “EMERGENCY” once more. Then just start trashing your roommate’s physical appearance, especially his button nose, sunken eyes, and pale skin to make yourself look better. You’ll look so good to them now that they’ll have to let you use their bathroom!

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Café Across The Street – This option seems like it will cost you money, but think again, Frugal Fanny. Just mosey into the café across the street, whisper “good morning” to the baristas. Wait. Then start doing your best jig (probably the one with the leaping movements). They’ll ask if you are OK. Say you don’t know, “Could I use your bathroom and see?” “Yes of course,” they’ll say. Use it, walk out, and say you’re feeling better, turns out it was just an itch. Who knew? If you’re feeling thirsty try jigging again for free green tea then head to your big meeting.

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Get The Landlord – It’s always best to treat your landlords like they’re your parents. Go down to Johnny The Landlord’s apartment and just start venting, “Um, Paul’s still in the bathroom saying it feels like something is crawling inside of him. Can you tell him to come out already?” Johnny will tell you that he’s not your dad and that you need to learn how to be an adult. But you’re going to need to ignore Johnny. YOU need to use the bathroom. The world revolves around you and your exceedingly patient bowels. If Johnny does not do as you ask, just say you hate him and that you wish you were never born. Johnny will undoubtedly take you out for pizza and a malt shake. And guess what? Pizza places have bathrooms!

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Your Roommate’s Room – Sure this isn’t the friendliest idea, but who says being friendly gets you anywhere? And Paul isn’t exactly being friendly by curling up in a ball and complaining about how he thinks now several creatures are crawling inside him and that something tasted weird in his coffee this morning. Head into Paul’s bedroom, use pi times the radius squared to find the exact center point of the room, stand there and let loose. When Paul stops whining and gets out of the bathroom he’ll realize how inconsiderate he was. He sure learned his lesson.

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Plastic Cup You Left In Your Room – This cup is big enough for one type of going to the bathroom. The second kind of going to the bathroom you’ve tried before and it was messy. So avoid that one if you can.

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Roommate’s Coffee Mug On Kitchen Counter – This is good for both types of going to the bathroom. You’ve done it before and it couldn’t hurt to do it again.

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Your Pants – This is an option if you want to show off at the big meeting how you can work through anything while sporting soiled pants.

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The Woods – Taking it old school is an interesting choice. While your roommate is selfishly smacking the bathroom floor screaming about how unbearable the pain is, sneak onto a greyhound and take it to any forest. Find the biggest tree and mark your territory. The only downside to this option is that it might deter you from going to the big meeting because you’ve now bonded with nature and with that fox that keeps eyeing you from afar. It’s a literal fox and you are sexually attracted to it.

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The Emergency Room – The ER has told you several times to stop yelling EMERGENCY and that your jig is disruptive, sad, and won’t get you in any sooner. Tell them your awful roommate poisoned you. After you’ve had your stomach pumped and a few days of bed rest you can definitely use the hospital bathroom!

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Roommate’s Nearly Empty Food Containers – Paul likely wont be having what’s left of his cornflakes or orange juice. You’ve done it before and it’s perfectly fine to do it again.

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Just Walk In On Your Roommate – This is the most daring option and if you feel up to the challenge, more power to you, Frugal Fanny. The door won’t be locked so just walk in on your roommate and say “OK time’s up.” Ignore his fetal position-based moaning and pleas for you to call 911. Step over him and do your thing. This is how assertive folks make it in this world. If he complains just tell him that maybe he should think about how he treats others first. Maybe it’s time he moves out. Do your jig while leaving.

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Your Second Bathroom – You could always use the second bathroom in the apartment, but Paul is in the bathroom you like most. Ignore this option.

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