Prevent Coronavirus with These Methods of Olde Tymes

Here’s a question: why are we listening to these “modern experts” and “scientists,” when we have centuries of ancient knowledge procured by men of prayer and alchemists of the past? After all, nobody died of Coronavirus 800 years ago. Try some of these time-tested methods for preventing plague and hack the coronavirus, old-school style.


Place bloodstone aft of heart: Forget washing your hands – you can ward off coronavirus by simply putting a bloodstone in your breast pocket. All you need to get one is $19.99 to feel confident no matter who sneezes on you.


Drain thy humors yellow: Don’t overlook this basic health staple. Drain the corona straight from your face by placing a leech onto each eyeball for 15 minutes every morning. It might seem weird at first, but soon it’ll be an essential part of your routine.


Putte a Goose topwise a peak: This one is pretty self explanatory. Just take a virgin white goose (make sure it’s virgin white) and carry it to the top of the tallest peak in all the land. Tie it to a 4-stone boulder and leave it there for two days. If it’s still there when you’re back, you’ll be blessed with a long life. If it’s gone, now would be a very good time to take out a life insurance policy.


Maken bathe for babes’ delight: If you’re not bathing your baby at least once a monyth (four wekes), you’re definitely going to want to get on that, coronavirus or not. Next time the moon is full, take your sodden baby to the river and dip her head first to cleanse body and spirit.


Four lashes for each sin: This one is going to take a little introspection, but these days I think we could all agree there could be a little more of that going around! Make sure to include the following popular sins:

  • Dying in the house of parliament

  • Stealing a dead whale

  • Not washing your sheep

  • Wearing sables with heads of jewels


Smote the villege wytch: I know, I know, every hamlet has that one wytch. News flash, that “cute wytch” is the root of the coronavirus and all earthly evil, so let’s band together and burn all of them. Because wytches are made mostly of straw, just throw a match and let nature take its course. If you’re not sure who your village wytch is, disperse matches at random. Your neighbors will thank you after you burne the heathen.


If all else fails, well, it’s time to head to the church and pray for the Lord’s forgiveness. For you hath done all a mere mortal is capable of… unless – have you tried not touching your face?