How I Talk About My Friends On Their Birthday Social Media Posts Vs. Every Other Day of the Year

On her birthday, March 15th: Rachael is a goddamn goddess. The extra unnecessary “A” in her name stands for Awe-inspiring. I am inspired by Rachael today and everyday. Live it up, your majesty! It’s your special day, you perfect Pisces princess!

On a normal Tuesday in January: Oh, Rachael P.? From college choir? Yeah, I don’t really see her much anymore, but she seems like she’s doing okay. Yeah, her and Toby are still together. I know, they do kind of look like siblings. It’s weird.

On her birthday, August 1stNatalie was born on the FIRST of August because she is NUMBER ONE in my heart, forever. I’ll never forget the time we went skinny-dipping on spring break (!) Haha, sorry mom! That’s what you get for following me on Insagram. Anyway, Natalie is a sparkling fairy wonder woman and I can’t wait to see where life takes her for her 27th trip around the sun!

On a random Thursday in December: Oh, I didn’t tell you? Yeah, when we went skinny-dipping I saw it. Like, the weirdest, most distorted tattoo of Robert Downey Jr. you will ever see. I swear to god I thought it was Edward Scissorhands at first. Yeah, no, right smack in the middle of her left cheek. I swear on my life! I could not make this shit up.

On her birthday, November 30thATTENTION UNIVERSE: It is the ethereal daffodil-scented porcelain mermaid BECKA’s BIRTHDAY TODAY! That’s right, our very own Boozin’ Becka made her Earth debut on this very day 29 years ago. Comment below with your favorite black-out memory with the Becka-nator herself and see you TONIGHT to CELEBRATE with drinks on drinks on drinks!!! Hope you like tequila, Beck-It-Ralph!

On New Year’s Eve 2016: Yeah, I doubt Becka’s going to be able to give up drinking for the whole year. She should try a more realistic resolution, like flossing her teeth every day or drinking more water.

On her birthday, May 13thHappy birthday to the truest friend I have ever had. Lucy, thank you for 12 years of memories, laughter, and cherry Tootsie Pops. I’ll never forget the first Halloween we spent together, trick-or-treating as two adorable ballerinas. We’ve been dancing through life together ever since. I love you so much!

On the day before her birthday, May 12thWe’re not even really friends anymore, I just feel obligated to make an appearance since we grew up down the street from one another and I was there the day her dad left. Yeah, she is kind of annoying, but we just have a lot of history together. I’ll just stop by her party for one drink and then I’ll meet you guys in Bushwick. I’ll Venmo you for the molly.

On her birthday, September 20thWishing the happiest of birthdays to my soulmate, my partner in crime, the peanut butter to my petroleum jelly (inside joke, lol), the light of my life, Tiffany. Tiff, I know you’ve had a tough year but I’ve witnessed firsthand how much stronger you are for it. You are such a badass. We are going to stay out until the sun comes up on your second day as a flirty, dirty thirty-year old! I hope you stocked up on your Red Bull, because I am ready to celebrate YOU and only YOU all night!

On her birthday, 11:58 PM: My Uber is here, tell her I said bye.