An Update on the Oompa Loompa Unionizing Efforts

To: All Members
From: OompaLoompaOrganizing@protonmail.com

We, your Oompa Loompa Doompety dUnion (OLDU) are outraged. Despite having the support of the ENTIRE staff, executive leadership of the Wonka Factory is refusing to recognize our union. Worse, they are actively suppressing our rights.

It is Wonka management that insists we test the fizzy-lifting drinks without a medic present. It is Wonka management that boils and overflows the chocolate river to sabotage our union meetings. And it is Wonka management that claims to require a National Labor Relations Board mail-in election – which is impossible for us to fulfill. As our ancestors were “imported” (stolen) from our native Loompaland by one Williard Wonka, we remain unrecognized by the state. This is an underhanded bureaucratic trick by the top-hatted elite to further obstruct our organization. But we will prevail.

 

Anti-Union Actions by Management:

Earlier this year, Wonka Industries hired the well-known union-busting law firm Slugworth, Wilkinson, and Fickelgruber as “labor consultants.” Workers are reporting intimidation tactics, including supervisors’ scream-rhyming performance reviews in the dark tunnel full of strange kaleidoscopic imagery. Stay strong, orange brethren! Most of all, do not trust these giant “new hires.” If you’re not sure if the worker you’re talking to is an anti-union plant, remember this rhyme:

Oompa Loompa doompety do,
Are they remarkably taller than you?
Oompa Loompa doopity dab,
If that’s a yes, they’re probably a scab!

Common Misconceptions:

To our Loompa-dee-brothers and sisters worried about their livelihood, do not believe management lies! Here are a few statements union-busters use to dissuade workers from organizing:

• “Having a union will ruin our ‘family’ work environment.”

The Truth: Families don’t let family get dismembered from gumdrop hailstorms with no workers’ compensation.

• “You will lose your job.”

The Truth: Shutting down operations to avoid a union is against the law. Besides, who would replace us? The mindless squirrels shelling walnuts in the Nut Room? The four spoiled children Wonka maimed, shrunk, and juiced during the last factory tour? Please.

• “Joining a union may involve you in violence.”

The Truth: Unions exist to solve problems peacefully. Blaming violence on unions is a world of pure imagination.

And, finally, some good news!

In an expression of solidarity, we are now publicly supported by other similarly downtrodden labor unions! Sending thanks to Keebler Elves Local 338, the American Federation of Snap, Crackle, and Pop, and all Amazon Warehouse Workers. Together, we fight on!

Yours in Sweet, Sugary Solidarity,
Oompa Loompa Doompety dUnion (OLDU)