A nod to the dad who coarsely asks, “Are you still going to be living with us when you’re forty?”
Quickly leave the room so your funny guy dad can show this to mom with a wink and a “stripping heavy wood” innuendo.
A slightly less-coarse way to ask dad, “Are you going to be living with us when you’re eighty?”
An A+ gift for the teacher dad who prefers the metric system.
A dope micro-grit for the hippie dad who keeps going out to the garage to “look for something” every couple of hours.
For any dad who loves motorcycles and can turn himself into liquid metal at will.
This super fine grit pairs perfectly with agreeing to sit through the entire two and a half hours of All Quiet on The Western Front.
A gracious reminder that you haven’t forgotten his ultra fine offer to let you move back in during the pandemic when you got laid off from Panera.
Best for a Deputy US Marshal who took on a fatherly role after you asked him to help you track down your real dad’s killer.
MST 3000 Grit
For the moviegoing dad who loves to share his whetstone-sharpened film takes.
Dad will have a (sand) blast dreaming about early retirement and then using this sharpening stone to slowly whittle in a win of $2 on the attached scratch-off Lotto tickets.
For the dad who never stops touting his glory days as a first baseman even though his biggest achievement since high school is finishing a Denny’s Grand Slam.
01001000 01100001 01110000 01110000 01111001 00100000 01000110 01100001 01110100 01101000 01100101 01110010 00100111 01110011 00100000 01000100 01100001 01111001 Grit
A binary “Happy Father’s Day” message for your robot dad, Mark Zuckerberg.
Physical proof you’ll love your dad until the eventual heat death of the universe.
Kelley Greene is a writer, performer, and sentient wheel of cheese based in Chicago. She has studied at The Second City and iO, and her work has appeared in Points in Case, Slackjaw, Robot Butt, the compilation book “The Awkward Phase”, and more. You can find her online at kelleygreene.pizza or on Twitter/Instagram @kelleygreene.