As a Father of a Son, I’m Very Concerned About Recent Events

The news has been dismal lately. As a father of a son, I’m particularly troubled with everything that’s been going on with the #MeToo movement. I recognize my status as a man has shielded me from much of this throughout my life. I never fully grasped how bad things were and how bad things are getting. My boy is little now, but what will the world look like when he’s an adolescent and adult. I can hardly bear to think about it.

 

When my son is middle aged, will his long record of sexual violence in high school and college come to light, momentarily jeopardizing his seat on the Supreme Court? The indignity! I don’t want my little boy’s life to be ruined just because he engages in a little horseplay, date rape, and roofie-fueled gang banging as a young buck. Boys will be boys! Sure, he’ll probably still have his seat on the Supreme Court after the public spectacle—or, at worst, his old seat in the federal judiciary—but think of how embarrassed he’ll be!

 

And what if he is a successful entertainer and he decides to pull his penis out in front of co-workers and masturbate just a little? Just for fun! Who knows what might happen then. He might even have to disappear into one of his mansions for a couple months before returning to the stage like nothing ever happened. Horrifying!

 

Or maybe he works really hard and climbs the ladder at a fancy corporate job, but just as he is about to achieve his life goal of becoming CEO, a couple of secretaries concoct stories about how he slapped them on the ass all the time and forced them to perform sex acts to keep their jobs. What would happen then? Instead of getting the big promotion, he’d probably have to stay in his boring old upper-level management job making only two million dollars per year. His whole career ruined just because a couple women make up some stories that are probably true, but still!

 

And what if he becomes a successful businessman. The most successful businessman. Then he decides to run for President to serve his country. Of course, all the hysterical women will come out of the woodwork to try to bring him down. Probably sixteen women or so. They’ll say he harassed them, had affairs with them, paid them off, walked in on them while they were changing, raped them when they were teenagers, raped them when they were married, talked about assaulting them in lewd terms, who knows what?!? They might have audio tapes, corroborating witnesses, and all that jazz, too. What would happen then? My son would probably get elected President but think of all the jokes people would make about him. They would be so mean!

 

Yes, I’m very worried about my son. The world has gone mad. The only thing I can do as a father is teach him to take the necessary precautions. He’s going to get so tired of me nagging him, but it’s for his own good. Every day before I send him out into the world, I say, “I love you! Have a wonderful day and remember, if you’re planning on doing any rapes, make sure you write it down in your calendar!”

 

And, my daughter? I don’t worry about her as much. For her, it’s more black and white. All she needs to do is avoid boys and men for the rest of her life. She’ll be fine. And if a boy even dares put a finger on her I’ll shoot him between the eyes. I don’t stand for any shenanigans.