“Morning Pages are three pages of longhand, stream of consciousness writing, done first thing in the morning. There is no wrong way to do Morning Pages–they are not high art. They are not even ‘writing.’ They are about anything and everything that crosses your mind–and they are for your eyes only. Morning Pages provoke, clarify, comfort, cajole, prioritize and synchronize the day at hand. Do not over-think Morning Pages: just put three pages of anything on the page…and then do three more pages tomorrow.”
–Julia Cameron, The Artist’s Way
Woke up at 6:30am. Just like a soldier or a farmer! I am as brave as a soldier and as strong as a farmer. I am Jared Corey Kushner.
Inbox is full, but you know what? It can wait. This is Jared time.
Last night’s dream: I was playing hockey and the goalie was Mike Pence, who was guarding a bunch of COVID-19 tests. I looked up and everyone in the audience was reading copies of The New York Times. Ivanka was there in an N95 mask and the dress she wore at our wedding, but she was getting married to her dad. She is so pretty. Her hair is like spun gold. I hope she lets me touch it tonight.
Today I will do the coronavirus response briefing and it will be amazing! This time I will remember to swallow. Last night I did arm practice with Ivanka for two hours. I think I’m finally getting how to hold them!
Everyone was really mean last time. I just can’t win with these guys in the briefing room with their notepads and their sentences that go up at the end. I had to pack my lunch twice this week (salad) because all the best restaurants are closed, but did you hear me complain? NO.
I mean, what do they want from me? I went to Harvard not Hogwarts. I can’t pull ventilators out of my wizard hat. Accioventilatoris! I have to pull it out of the federal stockpile, which–how do they not get this?–is for the FEDERAL government. As in, the government (MY FAMILY) won in the election, fair and square. We are being so generous by protecting the family stockpile but they keep yelling at us like a bunch of Democrats. Every day I get my pellet gun and guard the nearest repository, and no one has ever thanked me for my service.
I’m OK. Deep breaths. Just remember my mantra: I am Jared Corey Kushner and I’ve totally got this! Suck on that, Sunny Hostin.
Is that right? That word looks so weird.
Must beat Don Jr. at breath-holding contest. It’s not fair that he has more cheek room.
Text Fauci about breath-holding as alternative coronavirus cure?
Ugh–have to get on a call with governors again! And not the nice ones who are good managers. I hope someone asks me how many times I had to pack my own lunch this week.
Middle East Peace / Coronavirus Fundraising Idea–unity concert????
Random thought–has anyone ever tried giving journals to poor people? They would LOVE it. If I think about it, this journal is one of the reasons I’m so successful. Some of my greatest ideas started out in this journal. (Idea: Add journals to stimulus package?)
- Send edible arrangement to Joshua’s father-in-law
- Look up “Dunning Kruger”–what IS that?
- Call George W for tips on crisis management
- Make Bane costumes out of stockpiled masks for the boys
- Find hilarious memes to send to MBS
- IMPORTANT: DO NOT FORGET ABOUT OPIOID CRISIS!!!
Sometimes I feel sad. When I feel sad I like to think about things I’m good at. A thing I’m really good at is resourcefulness. I packed lunch twice this week to be resourceful. Plus, I sent homemade cookies to all of the governors with ingredients from the White House kitchen. I even wrote a nice note: Enjoy these Heinz and steak snickerdoodles. Let’s “ketchup” after the quarantine is over! In addition to resourcefulness I am also good at holding my breath, making friendship bracelets, reforming all of government, dressing myself, solving Middle East Peace (ceasefire–check!), and protecting the National Stockpile. I am good at so many things!
This pandemic is hard. But we’re all in it together. We all have to take care of our friends and family. Like how I’m taking care of my friends and family. By giving them unprecedented access.
They went to Jared’s.
I am Jared.
New mantra: I’m Jared Corey Kushner and there is no one else like me.
Brianna Zgodinski is a pun doula and college instructor from Cleveland, OH.