As a Former Cult Leader, Here’s What I Would Bring to the Role of Store Manager at Bath & Body Works

To the Area Manager of Bath & Body Works,


I wish to submit my application for the role of store manager at location #4971, Sevenoaks Mall. I believe I am well-qualified and have found great success in various types of management roles, most recently as the head of a small-to-medium religious sect. While I am not able to discuss the dissolution of that group in writing as it may be admissible as evidence, I can detail how this experience uniquely qualifies me to lead the team at Bath & Body Works location #4971 out of the darkness and into the Warm Vanilla Sugar-scented light.


In my former career I managed as many as 294 people at once, though I would delegate certain tasks to a small inner circle of 10 young women with similar hair textures. I believe in the importance of empowering your employees to be well-rounded and able to take decisive action on your behalf. Whether it’s anointing customers with your highest-priced item (You’re the One eau de parfum, $59.50) or leading what was intended to be a peaceful sit-in at the city records office, I seek to mentor and uplift.


As you may have seen on my CV (attached – unlockthewarriorwithin.pdf), my previous position often involved baptisms and the laying of hands. I am willing to train staff on these techniques so they can be used to their full effect on the shop floor. I understand that apostasy is very common in retail sales, so I will endeavour to collect compromising information on all employees to be strategically deployed should any of them defect to Lush or The Body Shop.


A goal of mine, if hired, would be to revamp your rewards program. A free product of their choice (value up to $16.50) and a few emailed coupon codes are not going to win you long-term loyalty from those who pledge membership. I would place staff in strategic locations like bus stations or airports to seek out those who seem alone and adrift, who crave the comfort that only a three-wick Peach Bellini candle can provide. If we position Bath & Body Works location #4971 as the only force in their lives that does not seek to sabotage them on the road to fulfilling their maximum potential, we could increase our year-on-year KPIs by as much as 15%.


The primary reason I am applying to this role is because I feel it would be an opportunity to correct some of my past errors. For example, I will not request that Bath & Body Works location #4971 be declared tax-exempt by the IRS as a religious institution. In my experience, this only draws undue attention from other government agencies and is not worth the potential decrease in overhead spending. I would also replace the controversial “demonstrations of fealty” with the more socially acceptable “team-building exercises”. Lastly, I would avoid taking creative liberties while disseminating corporate doctrine to employees, as I now understand that terms like “divine conflagration” may be interpreted in a variety of ways.


In conclusion, I believe I have all the qualifications necessary in order to be raised into the pantheon of Bath & Body Works location #4971 store managers. If you remain unconvinced by my testimony, please consult my attached references: Ma Shanti Om (℅ Fraser County Prison), Special Agent Joe Greenwood (who found “no evidence of a direct connection”), and Julie Tremblay (Area Manager, Lululemon).


Thank you for your consideration.