GPS watch: You used to turn to your dad for direction, but soon realized that all his advice was taken verbatim from a book he keeps in the bathroom called, “God Made Me Do It.”
“Guys, I did something unforgivable so do not defend me. It was 2 in the morning and I was Ambien tweeting-it was memorial day too-i went 2 far…” –Roseanne Barr Ate an entire loaf of sourdough Tried to give myself a back massage Burned all my ankle socks Emailed my ex a picture of us […]
TED: Okay, listen up hombres. The White House Cinco de Mayo party is around the corner and we still haven’t locked anything down. JIM: When is it again? KARL: Seriously? MARIA: May 5th. JIM: Right. TED: What do we have so far? MARIA: Last time we met, we talked about a border patrol theme, which […]
Phew. For a second there, we thought the bomber who murdered two people, injured five and paralyzed one of our nation’s largest cities with a sustained campaign of fear and anxiety was a terrorist. But it turns out he was just a quiet, twenty-three-year-old man who loved computers and his family. We’re sure this […]
Wake up, take morning piss (mostly blood). Make coffee while watching Fox & Friends. Destroy Keurig machine. Take cholesterol medication. Do home workout; depending on day, either hurl furniture at walls, throw self down stairs, or rip tires off car, set them on fire and roll them into lesbian neighbors’ pool. Make fresh smoothie with […]
