Best of 2023
I’m Saint Patrick and I’m Back to Fix America’s #1 Problem: Snakes
May I remind you, the Second Amendment protects your right to Bear Arms, not snakes. Americans can still have as many Bear Arms as they want.
Entries by Jennie Egerdie
Best of 2022
An Update on the Oompa Loompa Unionizing Efforts
What Do We Want? Hazard pay for experimental candy testers, a properly sanitized chocolate meadow, bathroom breaks, commuting access to the Wonkavator, yearly cost of living increases, one guaranteed sick day each, and to be paid henceforth in pound sterling, not cocoa beans. We are sick of cocoa beans.
Books
Frog and Toad are Doing Their Best (Book Excerpt)
Toad ponders a variety of questionable schemes to pay off his credit cards, while Frog spends too much time scrolling through the newsfeed on his phone. But despite their daily frustrations and existential concerns, they know that having a friend to share life’s burdens makes even the darkest days brighter.
Originals
All Saints Catholic High School Presents “Angels! in America! The Musical!”
No doubt about it, Angels! In America! is my new favorite musical – it’s even better than Grease! While the show is incredible, it’s not for everyone. There is some very heavy subject matter that may upset some young children, and the first six rows will get wet.
Best Of 2021
Who Said It: Theodore Roosevelt or Theodore Roosevelt from Night At The Museum?
“Bodily vigor is good, and vigor of intellect is even better, but far above both is character.” 2. “A great democracy has got to be progressive, or it will soon cease to be neither great nor a democracy.” 3. “I’m made of wax, Larry.”
Originals
Life Advice from Ol’ Blue Eyes to His Son, Frank Sinatra Jr.
Have a signature drink: Here’s mine: Four ice cubes. Two fingers of Jack Daniels. A splash of water. And a dame with no brassiere to stare at from a distance while you sip it.
Best of 2020
Herman Melville Workshops Whale Names Before Settling on Moby Dick
Big Ding-Dong Whale, Shamu, Moby Penis, Jedediah Whaleshlong (Note to self: too long)
Originals
Edible Arrangements for Unforgivable Situations
Oh No, I Apri-cut Your Nuts! Created to specifically address the surprising rise of violence in the Edible Arrangements community, this bevvy of dried apricots and rich cashews are sure to say “I’m sorry I cut off your testicles. Let’s still be friends.”