Entries by Sam Spero


Best of 2023

What I’ve Learned Moving From New York To LA 

When you’re so depressed that you sleep through a beautiful day, you don’t have to feel guilty because it’ll still be beautiful out tomorrow. There’s a much greater diversity of industries in Los Angeles than I assumed: You can work in film, television, or film and television. And more!

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Pitching Presidential Pardons to the Constitutional Convention 

I know this whole time we’ve been pushing “checks and balances,” but I’m gonna go out on a limb and say there shouldn’t be any checks on this presidential power. It’s definitely risky, don’t get me wrong. Just don’t ever, ever elect someone who you think might be tempted to abuse the unlimited power of pardoning any federal conviction they want. 

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Titles, Explained

Detective: Just about the only one who’s isn’t afraid to find out what’s really going on here. Lieutenant: A company man who started out as a good cop (sure, maybe too much of an idealist back then, but who wasn’t? Those were different times.) yet now understands that you have to play their game to make captain—and if that means turning a blind eye to some of the stuff that goes on around here, so be it. And more!

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I Was Unaware Edible Underwear Is Meant To Be A Sex Thing

This is the worst timing, too—I just bought a bunch of great new pairs that I was really looking forward to wearing. I should probably try to sell them and make some money back. Are you sure you don’t know anyone who might be interested in buying 40, maybe 50 pairs of edible underwear?

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Why Did You Unfollow Me on Twitter?

Look, I’m not threatening you, but if you don’t re-follow me, I’ll have to unfollow you. Then I would have to manually check your Twitter every couple days to see what you’ve been saying, and that would really be a pain. 

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How to Make Baseball More Exciting

Instead of having managers wear the team’s uniform, make them only wear leather. Raise the pitcher’s mound by 10 feet. And more.

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I Never Said Goodbye to My Barber

I have recurring nightmares about seeing Sal again. In one, I run into him on the street while I’m sporting a fresh cut. I try explaining that I of course prefer his work, but I’m only in town on holidays, when the shop is closed. Yet he ignores my blathering and thinks I’ve betrayed him. Maybe he’s right.

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Jokes My Sister Won’t Let Me Tell in a Toast at Her Wedding

It’s heartwarming to know that even in these tumultuous times, two people can still get married for tax purposes. I knew the moment Dan took me to get a lap dance and gave the stripper a $100 tip that he would treat my sister like a queen. It’s strange to think we’ll all be back […]