I don’t get why you’re so angry. Right when I remove my pants to join you in bed for the first time in our relationship, you yell at me because you’re afraid I’ll make your sheets sticky? I thought you were trying to ease the tension with a crude joke about bodily fluids, but it seems like you’re actually upset because I’ve been wearing my red licorice underpants all day and, as usual, they melted? Calm down.
So I was unaware that edible underwear isn’t supposed to be worn every day and it’s just something people use to spice things up in the bedroom. Big deal. Sorry, I figured it was a normal chore to soak my pants each night for hours in order to get the congealed candy out of the fabric. I wish I had known it’s odd that I have to yank wads of gummy caught in my thigh hairs, or that I shouldn’t always smell like a mixture of sweat and Starbursts. I guess I missed that day in health class.
Please don’t overreact. Look, I’m the one who should be upset! I can’t get over how much money I wasted all these years. Unlike your underwear, mine isn’t reusable—it’s destroyed by my slightest movement. Plus, I threw out so many unopened pairs because I was afraid to put them on past their expiration dates!
Don’t get me wrong, I understand that I shouldn’t have been wearing edible underwear every day to begin with. I only meant that since I was wearing edible underwear every day, I could have ignored the expiration dates because those just refer to consuming them. And to be clear: I never ate my mangled undergarments after wearing them. That would be disgusting.
This is the worst timing, too—I just bought a bunch of great new pairs that I was really looking forward to wearing. I should probably try to sell them and make some money back. Are you sure you don’t know anyone who might be interested in buying 40, maybe 50 pairs of edible underwear?
Still, I appreciate you telling me this; I’m learning a lot. It’s possible that this is why my previous girlfriend ran from the room when we were about to lose our virginities. I assumed it was because seeing my gorgeous genitals was too overwhelming, but now that I think about it, it could’ve been the remnants of my milk chocolate thong smeared all over my lower body after a long day under my jeans.
There’s one thing I still don’t get, though. What did you mean when you said that edible underwear “is typically meant for women?”
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Sam Spero wants a samurai sword. Follow him on Twitter @SRSpero.